Drag Wars 2018

 

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So recently I found myself back in my old university town of Cheltenham when I attended two out of the three shows of Drag Wars 2018 completion. Unfortunately I was unable to go to heat one due to being at Pride. This was the first Drag Wars I’ve attended, or any drag competition to be honest. The competition is a spin off from, Felicia’s Drag Race, done by my friend, Miss Felicia. The competition is run by Misty Monique. A Drag Queen with a unique and literally out of this world look who won Drag Race in 2015.

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So heat two consisted of serval acts for whom we had to use our tickets to vote for. To be fair every act was not only good but very different to each other. Some were just a bit weaker than others. Among them one shone out to me, Ophelia Cox, Gloucester’s youngest Drag Queen. A fantastic act with a few little tricks up her sleeve (or more to the point down her dress) and she has a great classy look. I was definitely impressed by her style and I loved the dress she was wearing. I was able to talk to her afterwards to find out the make and where to get one from. (Which I promptly did with a view of doing a Jessica Rabbit style photo set sometime soon.) So that was one of my votes used before I even saw the rest.

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Another of my votes went to Hevvi Flo, young, energetic, memorising. The show she put on was like nothing I’d seen before. The moves that she did on stage was amazing. It was clear early on that she was definitely a favourite to go through to the next round. The judges voted highly of her.
My third and final vote was harder to cast. I was torn between a few of the acts. True I could have cast a second vote for Ophelia but felt I should spread my vote. In the end my final vote went to Semi Colon, a woman that not only gave a good show but put across a message about accepting yourself. Ultimately and rightly (IMO) it was Ophelia and Hevvi Flo that went through to the final.
So a few weeks later I find myself back to watch the final. Sadly Hevvi Flo had to pull out beforehand due to illness, a shame as she was a favourite to win. There was also an act brought back, Astro, from heat one, who gave an enjoyable performance. Ophelia gave another good performance although it felt a little less snazzy then the first. There were still a few surprises in her performance however.
They were followed by the two winners from heat one, Ravenna Slayshon and Sage. For me personally Sage didn’t hit the right spot for me but the act was good and very emotional. You could tell it was very personal and I couldn’t fault it. Then there was Ravenna. Wow. This Queen knew how to put on a show. Dragged to the stage on a blanket pulled by four guys who then helped lift her up onto stage it was an amazing performance. For a little pub in Cheltenham it was almost like a show by Madonna or Gaga in a stadium. Her performance was faultless. Sadly, for me, her performance was overshadowed by a rather large and very vocal fan base.
So when it came to voting it was a no brainer. All three of my votes went to Ophelia Cox. Sadly however it was Sage and Ravenna who were the clear winners going thorough to the final stage of the competition. This then left me with a dilemma as it was hard to choose who to vote for in this round. Both were very good. Both deserved the vote. I held off for most of the voting time but eventually (maybe wrongly) my mind was made up by Ravenna’s own fans. Their antics and attitude towards the other acts had annoyed me and so Sage got my vote. Ultimately though Ravenna was the winner and to be fair she is going to be fantastic but hopefully many of the other acts I saw will go on to have great success. They certainly deserve it.
So that was Drag Wars 2018 and I loved it and look forward to Drag Wars 2019. There was an incredible atmosphere at both shows, and presumably heat one, with the place packed out. The final finished with the acts, judges and hosts performing Lady Marmalade. A fitting show stopper.
Already I have tickets for Misty Monique’s next show at Christmas, Oh my Drag – An X-rated Xmas.

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It’s going to be amazing and I’m looking forward to because like Drag Wars it will feature a Drag Queen who has become one of my favourites. No not one of the acts but Luna Lakes, Misty’s cohort and pre show host. She performed for the opening of the shows as well as throughout and was brilliant. Ok, I’m happy to admit I may just have a little crush on her. Her look is amazing as well as the persona and she just blew me away. The interactions between here and Misty make for a great double act. Even a live Facebook feed that they did together out of drag just shows how much chemistry these two have.
So not only did I enjoy the show but it’s also made me question even more where I want to go with myself. I’m still not sure if I’m Trans or just enjoy becoming female for a little time in an artistic way to take photos. I do want to get better with both my look and how I model myself in the photos. At present out of two hundred photos maybe only five or six I’m happy with. It may well be that I could be happy in doing drag. I already have a stage name in my head. Cherry Ade, cool yeah? (Well I like it). So this is something I’m going to look into. It’s not the first time I’ve considered it. Many years ago when in College I thought about doing drag but never did. Drag Wars has certainly proven inspirational.
So I have plans to get some professional help with make-up and to talk with Miss Felicia for some tips and I’ll see where I go. I’d love to have a look like Luna and Ophelia, except unfortunately older. Maybe sometime it’ll be me up there on stage trying to impress the judges and the audience without fainting. And I don’t think I’d even be that worried about winning. I’d just love to have the courage to have a go and hopefully not suck. All I’ve got to do is develop some talent first and judging by the acts I saw I’ll have some hard work ahead of me.

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Photos of Ophelia Cox and Misty Monique used with kind permission. Links to their Facebook site below.

https://www.facebook.com/themistymonique/?ref=br_rs

https://www.facebook.com/pg/TheOpheliaCox/services/?ref=page_internal

Plus links to Miss Felicia and Luna Lakes

https://www.facebook.com/Miss-Felicia-215562955978/

https://www.facebook.com/delunasional/

 

 

 

 

 

Who Am I

 

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So recently in circle we were asked to tell the rest of the group who we were, to describe ourselves briefly. Thinking back on this later I realised that A) I could have brought out more about myself then I reviled but sadly my anxiety got the better of me and I forgot some of what I wanted to say. B) I could have talked for a good half hour then the min or two we had.
I started off that night saying something I have said before. That if everyone I’ve known came to my funeral they would have different views on who I was. They would sit there and describe me in different ways. Yes there may be a few common things. That I always tried to be there for people, that I was able to take whatever banter was thrown my way. But there would be so many things reviled that others wouldn’t have known. So many more sides to my character.

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I’ve suffered from depression on and off for years. I’ve thought of suicide and I’ve self-harmed in the past. I’ve questioned my gender, my sanity and my place in the world. Why am I here? What is my purpose? Who the hell am I?
Over the years I’ve studied psychology, philosophy, religion, mediumship, life coaching etc etc in a lifelong quest to figure things out and to find answers. Often the answers have led to even more questions. Sometimes they have led to me pushing myself in directions I never thought my life would take.

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Those poor people sitting there reminiscing about my life, remembering me. “Happy go lucky.” “Carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.” “Lots of friends, very outgoing.” “Loner, secluded, kept himself to himself.” Hell even my hair colour isn’t consistent. Ginger, blond, brown, red. What chance have they got getting to the real me?
I use to be someone who would post uplifting inspiration quotes on Facebook, The last few years have found me in a slightly more cynical frame of mind. However many of the quotes I’ve used over the year in my blog are ones that have spoken personally to me. Maybe I should get back to posting such things. Not only do they reinforce those ideas into my own mind but they allow others a little insight to myself. A little glimpse of things I believe. I’m certainly not the same person I was twenty years ago. Or ten, five or even two.
I would like to think, at that wake that people would not so much be mourning my lost but celebrating my life. Recalling many stories about me as they do. I like to think I’ve had an interesting life. It’s not all been plan sailing. There have been a lot of hard times that I’ve had to overcome. Walls thrown up in my way. It’s not always gone the way I would have liked and there are regrets, missed opportunities and things I would love to be able to do differently. But I’ve also been a student, been to uni, got a degree and spent many hours with friends in the SU bar getting drunk. I’ve been Captain of my skittle team, trying to get high scores and having a laugh whilst getting drunk. Been out clubbing, (badly) dancing up on the dancefloor whilst getting drunk.

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I’ve been a paranormal investigator, walking around derelict buildings in the dead of night waiting for something unnatural to happen and usually wishing I was drunk. I’ve studied martial arts, mediumship and creative writing. I’ve wrote a novel (and will hopefully get that and others published before my end), marched at Pride. And there is so much more I want to do.
Three things occur to me. 1. There has been a lot of alcohol in my life. No doubt the character of Bernice Summerfield has had a bigger influence on my life then I thought. 2. I have done a lot so far and meet so many wonderful people over the years. Some have disappeared into the past although I’d like to think they know I’d still be there for them if they needed me.
3. That it would be impossible to pin down my entire life. I have secrets even more than those I’ve reviled here. And how can anyone out there really know me when I still don’t know myself who I am? It’s a question that I may never get the answer for but it has led to many adventures trying to find out and I hope for many more. It’s one of the reasons I’ve never found myself able to settle down. I’ve always wanted more, to get on to the next thing and experience something new. Had I settled down with my girlfriend a few years ago I’d never have found time to write my novel and I wouldn’t have spent the weekend dancing in a gay nightclub with friends in Cardiff. But had I not been in that relationship at that time I wouldn’t have got my degree.
I’d like to think overall those people will be thinking fondly of me as a friend, a confidant, a hard worker and a good person. A shoulder to cry on, a helping hand or someone to dance the night away with. I’ve been told I’ve been thought of by people as lovely or sweet.
Student, paranormal investigator, transgender, writer and consumer of alcoholic beverages. What else might be added to that list before I’m finished? What more stories can I provide for people to remember me by?

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Pride Cyrmu

 

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Ok it’s been a little while since the last post, I’ve been having a bit of a rest as well as working solidly for the last eight months. I now have a week off to give chance to recover, build back up my energies and get back on top of things. And I’ve started my time off in style.
Yes I have finally done it. I’ve been to my first proper Pride festival. Yes I know there is a previous blog post somewhere near the start of this blog where I went to a Pride event but that was just a couple of hours in a club watching a few acts.
This was the full Monty. By staying in a B & B Friday and Saturday night I was able to completely enjoy my time. Firstly I took part in the parade through the streets of Cardiff. To begin with I was very nervous, not knowing what to expect but that soon disappeared amongst the cheering of the marchers and the crowds that lined the street. There was something about being in the middle of that crowd of people showing my support for others as well as feeling accepted by those around me.

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There were just hundreds of people in that march. I don’t think I’ve ever been a part of something so big in my life.
Then there was the festival itself. Three separate stages with acts. Luckily I had a couple of friends who invited me to join them and their group which really helped me to relax more. It was definitely more enjoyable sharing the experience with others then being just on my own and through them I also made some new friends. The place itself was packed with people, full of different diversities. Although I had gone as my normal self I left with the feeling that here I could have been who I wanted to be without any judgement or embarrassment. My friend was in drag as it was, as they are a locally famous drag artist.
As an added bonus towards the end of the evening my friends decided to take me clubbing around the gay scene in Cardiff and so it was that I found myself, glitter over my face dancing upon the dance floor in a nightclub as it turned midnight, ending one of the best days I have had for a while.
I left wanting more. I want to go back next year, I want to try Brighton. There is a more local Pride weekend near me soon which I might attend although I also have ticket for Drag Wars that night so we’ll see. But it was an amazing experience. I arrived back home on Sunday tired but happy with a feeling of disappointment that it was over.

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The Sword as a symbol of masculinity and masturbation

“I am Adam, Prince of Eternia, defender of the secrets of castle Greyskull. Fabulous secret powers were revelled to me, the day I held aloft my magic sword and said….

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Wait what? Ok as a kid as Adam would raise his sword and shout “By the power of Greyskull” and transform into He-man my heart would beat. This was the bit in the show I loved, the part I always waited for. It was only later with comments on the internet that I came across the idea of what this introduction could be read as. Secret powers reviled when I held aloft my magic sword. Could this really be a metaphor for the discovery of masturbation? The time when a boy becomes a (He) man.
As I mentioned in a previous post many of my heroes have been sword welders. Robin Hood, Angel, Ducan McLoad, the Highlander. Well let’s face it that whole series revolves around swords. Thundercats was another cartoon where a sword was pivotal. Young Lion O goes from a boy to a man, the leader of the Thundercats and at the same time is entrusted with the sword of Omens. Almost a small dagger until Lion O takes it in his hands and with a cry of Thunder, thunder thunder, thundercats HO it grows longer until finally shooting a symbol of light into the air.

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Even in real life the sword has usually been a sign of manhood. Warriors would grow up learning how to weld the weapon until being old enough to go into battle. The sword becomes an extension of oneself, a part of the body.
But there have been women sword welders. He-man himself had his twin sister She-Ra. A female version of the character, to sell the toys to girls as well as boys, to give a role model to girls as well as boys. But the problem with this that while She-Ra, princess of power, was a six foot slim blond goddess she was just as strong as her brother. She worked as a role model showing girls that they could be just as strong as boys but looking back it just feels like they were adding masculinity to the character. That her powers lay in being really strong just like a (He) man. Still it’s worth mentioning that on recently re-watches just how camp He-man was and by comparison She-Ra was much much more. Is there a word for something that is more campier then camp? I don’t want to use the word worse because it implies that this was a bad thing but I think overall it certainly works as a early introduction to LGTB themes. After all the hero does ride around on a flying unicorn that has multi coloured wings.

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And if that didn’t then let’s move to the nineties and the almost She-Ra like Xena, warrior Princess. Really all these princesses becoming warriors? A symbolism of girls becoming women? Or that women can be just as powerful as men. Xena not only showed a female warrior out fighting for justice but showed a friendship with her young companion Gabrielle that many interpreted as lesbian. Lucy Lawless herself became a gay icon and it had been said since that the character was gay.

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But I’m veering off topic here. Let’s get back to our phallic shaped swords. You know the weapons that are used to penetrate people. Certainly to Freud the symbolism of a sword in a dream was phallic in nature and therefore a sex symbol. Traditional I would say that a toy sword would more likely have been aimed towards boys than girls. It represented a sign of manhood. Spilt blood or spilt seed.
Growing up I played a game called Hero Quest and then moved on to the more advanced Warhammer Quest. In both these games the figures were male. Ok two of them were of different races but still male. Warhammer Quest even had extra character packs you could buy. Imperial Noble, Pit Fighter, Witch Hunter and so forth. In fact nine extra characters bringing the total to thirteen and not one of them a woman. Yes there were a few female characters in the overall Warhammer range that could be brought to represent some of the characters in the game but it still says something that there was no actual female figure included in the game. Is this because it was thought only guys played the game? While I’ve never played D & D I know some women that play and at least that game is set up so you can create any gender character you wish. I do however play D & D Neverwinter where my character is female.

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So maybe the sword is still a symbol of power, of coming of age but maybe it is no longer a masculine symbol. Or maybe even though we have these sword welding heroines, She-Ra, Xena, Wonder Woman, there is still something masculine attached. That is that they are seen as sex symbols. Strong Women yeah but women that can be fantasied over by men. Recently She-Ra was redesigned for a new cartoon on Netflix, aimed at a young audience but there was outrage at the change. That the new costume no longer made She-Ra look sexy. In other words they can’t longer masturbate over Maybe the concern should be more on whether the character is going to be any good. That she will be a good role model. And that maybe we can have a female hero that welds a sword without it having to represent some masturbatory fantasy.

Changes

 

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Everything changes. No I’m not talking about the first episode of Torchwood or the song by Take That. No I’m talking about in life. It’s like one of life’s certainties like death. For much of my life I have hated change. I have fought against it, had anxiety over it or got angry when changes are forced on me. This is at times when my life is going great. I loved the job I had at Somerfield’s until it got closed down. I’ve had close friends, spending time hanging out with them worrying about losing them only for this self-fulfilling prophecy to eventually come true.
Nowadays I try to have a more different view towards change. It was something I had to come to terms with in uni. I loved being a student, going to lectures and hanging out with fellow students in the SU bar drinking Snakebites. But I always knew it was temporary and that I would have no choice in when it ended. Three years and that’s it. With this time limit I learned to savour every moment I could out of my time there. I still have times when I miss things or people from my past, sometimes so much it hurts but at the same time when changes have happened they have always lead to something new in my life.
Had I not been made redundant I wouldn’t have got a job where I’d meet someone who’d not only turn out to be a great friend but got me into ghost hunting and was the one who suggested that I go back to college which eventually lead to going to uni. Many times changes have brought new experiences into my life.
I shouldn’t be surprised. That change can be good is something I learned very early on. Deep Space Nine had a character, Jadzia Dax, who was joined with a symbiont who had already lived seven lifetimes. In one episode I remember watching as a kid she talks about how each change is good because it leads to new experiences. That has always stuck in my mind.

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But even more so I’m a Doctor Who fan, a show where the lead character has changed faces and personalities twelve times and had companions and friends that have come and gone over the years. In my life I’ve been like the tenth Doctor, resisted to change, raging against it and haunted by those words. “I don’t want to go.” But his incarnation is an exception. As the second Doctor commented just after his regeneration that “Life depends upon change. Even more so there is the eleventh Doctor’s final speech.
Recently I was given a sudden and upsetting reminder of my past about a friend of mine that died young a long time ago. I could remember where she lived, I remembered where I was when I got the message that she had died but for the life of me I could not remember her name and that was what got to me. Thankfully it came back to me a couple of hours later and an important part of my life was returned to me.
So yeah I must remember my past, who I was, the things that I have done. All the things that have happened to me good and bad because among other things it shows that I always survive change and many times it leads to something new and exciting. And there may even be some indications that changes are coming my way. We did Tarot cards in circle this week. I’ve always loved Tarot and have many decks. Anyway I got a reading from someone which indicated some new things coming into my life including possibly a woman. Now obviously I can take that indication in two different ways but even so I left that night feeling very positive about the future.
Changes are a coming. Prepare yourself, embrace it, hold on tight and go with the flow. You never know what’s around the corner.

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I’m in a Circle

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So a few weeks ago I’m speaking to one of my best friends. She’s the one that got me into ghost hunting as well as mediumship. Her husband, who is a medium, was starting up a new open circle in my town and she suggested I should come along. For me the idea was good on two fronts. 1. Because it would help me get out and socialise more which I really need to do and which would help with my anxiety (hopefully) and 2. Because I use to do circle years ago and kind of wanted to try it again.
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For those of you reading that’s not sure what a circle is, it is not a group of us sat in a circle on the floor chanting while candles burn around us in the dark. A circle when it comes to mediumship is simply a group of us sat on chairs in a circle trying to develop our medium skills. So this involves learning to talk to spirits, guides etc. A closed circle is simply a closed group of people while an open circle means anyone can come along.
So far it’s been both interesting and helpful. As I mentioned I’d done spiritual work many years before and I think (judged on feedback) that I was developing quite well, to the point where the woman running the circle thought I’d be ready to go up on stage. Unfortunately due to circumstances at the time I had to take time out from it and sadly never went back.
So now I have a chance to try again. For me the reason for doing it as much as I do like helping people is because I want to explore myself. I’ve always felt I’ve been on a personal voyage of discovery. Why I am like I am? What is my potential? Where do I fit in in this world? And of course having the skills to communicate with the dead is rather Jedi-ish.

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But the other up side of this is I get to see one of my best friends every week and chat as well as a couple of other people in the group. I’m still slightly shy around the ones I don’t know yet but it’s a friendly bunch and we have a good laugh along the way. My Facebook page has almost had daily requests lately for friend requests from other members in the group.
So far over the last few weeks we dealt with the introductions and practised some meditation, looked at how we might read people, working with colours and emotions and looked at spirit guides. Also we have all given a little mini reading to someone else in the group. Mine hasn’t really been that much but I’ve had something to give which is nice even if my heart is beating like hell from having to do so. With luck confidence will come in time.
And for those reading this and thinking ‘well it’s all bollocks isn’t it’. If you are then why are you reading this? Especially if you’ve got this far. But I’m not judgemental. While I believe it is possible to communicate with the deceased and that we have guides I do doubt my own abilities. As I give readings both now and in the past I’m always thinking am I just making this up? But so far everyone I’ve read for has taken what I’ve said (unless they’re just being kind) So I look forward to being able to keep this blog updated with how I’m coming on, any interesting things that come up and maybe even some of the things I’ve learnt.
And then there is also the part about overcoming my anxiety. Socialising with strangers is a little step for me, done it plenty of times before and it doesn’t take me long to settle in. Putting myself in the spotlight with ten or more people watching me is a larger step. One I know I can do but it just pushes me just that little bit more. Then there is expressing myself bit by bit among this group. This is more than just developing myself spiritually. This is in front of people I don’t know and in front of people I have known for years. If I can develop the confidence to do readings for people with others watching me then hopefully I’ll develop confidence in other areas. And this may even, for better or worse, come around quicker than I would have thought.
When I posted on Facebook recently about how I’d finally finished editing my novel and ready to print off for some people to read, she commented yes please. Given that the nature of the novel is rather personal to me this is a big thing for me. I initially ignored it but she mentioned it again at circle this week. There was no way of avoiding it. I had to do a quick edit for her copy as one of the characters is named and based after her and given that that character is involved in a sex scene I’d better change the name. But hopefully she’ll be opened minded to the contents of the story when she reads it. In a way putting this novel out there is a little bit like coming out so it is nerve wracking. Anything to do with hinting at my alternative lifestyle is nerve wracking.
This week we worked on Psychometry. That where you hold an object (that we had brought in) and try to connect with it. To tap into the history of the object and get a reading from it. I’ll admit it wasn’t my specialist subject and I didn’t get anything right.
Interestingly though we had also been asked to bring a red herring in as well and with the above in mind I took in a neck choker that I’d brought last year but couldn’t really wear as it was too tight. When it was picked from the tray by one of the circle I felt a little guilty that they wouldn’t get anything from it or if they did I’d have to tell them how they were wrong. My heart was beating throughout not only from the guilt but because of having to own up to the object. Surprisingly though many of the things she did come up with I could actually take. Of course I had to admit to owning the item in the end but if the group thought there was anything strange in this it wasn’t mentioned. Of course when my friend starts reading the book little things like the neck choker might clue her in.
Still I believe the universe or the force has a way of working things out so maybe this is how things are meant to go? Maybe something will come through for me that will give me some insight. If anyone is listening, Can I get a sign please?

 

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Photo edited.

Trans Matters

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No not that kind!

 

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Ok this following piece is going to be a very personal one and will deal with issues of Trans Gender and cross dressing. If this is not your cup of tea (or you know me personally and think that this may be too much information, yes you!) then I would recommend going no further……..

Ok. Are you sure? Then we’ll begin….

There is four things that have always fascinated me. Doctor Who, the supernatural, exploration of the self (both psychological and philosophical) and fetishes. I really don’t know where the fascination for fetishes has come from. I remember reading a book in uni on it and just got engrossed in learning why certain fetishes appealed to people as they did. But my interested started a long time before that and maybe it was because of some of the fetishes that I enjoyed myself. Ones that I would often feel guilty about, as if it wasn’t normal. I’m not going to go into details about which fetishes I like or don’t like except one of them was cross dressing. I began to want to understand what made such things fetishes. Was it something inherent or caused by something in our childhood? Maybe it’s just my interest in psychology and philosophy wanting to know how people and the world think and work. Or maybe I just wanted to know I’m not the only one out there. That what I like does not make me abnormal.

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And as long as such things don’t affect other people then is there really any harm? What happens behind closed doors stays behind closed doors. But what happens when it’s something more than that?. For over a year now I have been considering my gender identity. It no longer is simply just a fetish, something I do now and again but now an impact on my everyday life. Like many times before I have done research into transgenderism. I have read articles, watched You Tube videos and am an active member on a LGTB forum. Many of the You Tube videos I’ve watched have documented the tubers transition. I feel at the moment I’m in a position where I don’t know which way, if any, I want to go. It is a very confusing time for me as I swing from one feeling to the other. Or there’ll be times when I’m out somewhere and wished I’d gone more feminine or less.

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Sometimes I think that I would just like the chance to be out there for a short time and have considered drag act. Other times I think of if I want to actually start transitioning, begin medication and look towards surgeries. I’ve swung from thinking myself as a male to thinking of myself as wanting to be female and now lie somewhere in between counting myself for now as genderfluid. It’s gone from simply just dressing in clothes to trying out make up, wigs and I love doing photoshoots (even if they aren’t the best.) That is the other big thing for me. Would I pass? Could I pull off a feminine look. And it’s not just the look. The voice, the walk. They are all little tell tale signs of what gender someone is. And for me it’s not about wearing skirts out. I have women’s jeans and tops that overall could be seen more as gender neutral. Even if I was to simple go out as a cross dresser (something that seems to be less accepted then being trans) would I look good enough to be accepted or be stared at like I’m some sort of freak.

The novel I wrote is based around many of these themes and it has to be said that it was both helpful in allowing me to express and explore my own feelings but also brought up personal questions that I have had to face. True I have to admit I don’t feel the same every day, it is something that is ever changing which is one of the things that makes it so hard to decide what to do. Although I don’t really suffer from the dysphoria that other trans people experience, there was a time where I had to shave before I’d go out even if it would make me late and even going without earrings sometimes can feel wrong.

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But a few weeks ago I decided after four months of contemplating to final go and get my hair done and to have it dyed red, something that I’ve wanted to do but have held back. It is a bold move for me. Over the last year I have been pushing little bits such as painted nails and wearing earrings. No longer is the wearing of knickers something done for quick excitement but actually worn daily just because they feel right. In fact I recently figured out that I actually own more pairs of knickers then boxers! At work there are other little signs I’m giving out.

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Reaction to my hair have ranged from people liking it to downright piss taking. I’ve taken it in my stride, rolled with the banter, none of the comments were meant in a horrible way. It has also lead to the outcome that a couple of team mates remembered the character of Jessica Rabbit. Again I rolled with it and have now accepted the name as a nickname I use when playing. In many ways this takes away the power they have of taking the mickey because I’m not biting plus it’s putting the idea of a more feminine me out there. Personally I like it. It may not be a nickname (or alternative name) I would have chosen but never mind. Plus I have recently just started watching a You Tuber cross dresser called Jessica who has helped again to give me more confidence in myself. There does seem to be a nice symmetry there.

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But I want to get more involved in the community that I now feel part of and to help others. For example I make regular donations to Mermaids. But I want to do more. I want to help not just because that’s the kind of person I am but also because maybe by getting more involved will also help me figure myself out. I haven’t had much chance to get to Pride events and hopefully this is the year I’ll get chance to go. I’m also looking at a few other events coming up. I don’t know if my home town would ever do something but it would be great to be involved.
When I started this blog I wasn’t sure where I was going to take it. I knew I wanted to look at the heroes of my past and how they had affected me and from there it’s built up into my musings and my personal journey.

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When having my hair done my hairdresser told me to be who I want to be and fuck what anyone else thinks. To do what makes me happy. It’s good advice. My friend also told me something similar on her birthday night out. But to be someone who wants to stand up for peoples rights I guess one has to be brave enough to put themselves out there. I have to take on those aspects such as Robin Hood, the Doctor, Ace Rimmer and Batman that I’ve talked about. I’ve said previously about Supergirl, how in my novel she symbolised my main character’s realising their secret self and how Supergirl herself seems to be a metaphor for coming out as you true self as she does in the pilot episode of the series. I’ve mentioned about how maybe one day I’ll have my own Supergirl moment. Something that I would never have imagined myself doing.

This month is Pride month and this is it. It’s another little step but an important one.

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