Musings on Me

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It’s funny what pops into your mind on a drive home. I began to think about what makes me ME. What set it off was thinking about an episode of Doctor Who. Heaven Sent (2015) In this episode regarded by many fans as one of the best of Capidi’s run the Doctor finds himself in a strange castle, works out how to escape but is killed before he is able to. Luckily he is able to survive longer to reset the teleportation device that brought him there before dying thus allowing another copy of himself to arrive in the castle and have to start again eventually (after billions of years) breaking down a wall and escaping. One of the things that was discussed on the Gallifrey Base forum following this episode was the question of the Doctor’s age (A subject that has been debated over many years) Did this now mean the Doctor was now billions of years old or was the Doctor that finally escaped just a couple of days older then he was in the previous episode having been reset by the transporter.
The whole thing raises the question of whether this is really still the Doctor, the original or just a copy with all the memories of the original that first died in the castle. And what about all the times before hand when the Doctor has used teleporters. Is the person that comes out the other end the ‘same’ person that went in? What about all those Starfleet officers from Star Trek. Did the original Captain Kirk simply disappear into nothing and get replaced by an exact copy. One of the Bernice Summerfield novels (a Doctor Who spin off) Down deals with this issue having one character scared of any kind of transport believe it will be the end of the real her.

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So all this was going on in my head leading me off on other thoughts. One of the questions I’ve seen many times on the Empty Closets forum is how do I know if I’m trans? With one answer being if you could change into your ideal body of the opposites sex would you do it? My answer has most of the time been yes I would. But then I have issues with my body anyway so why wouldn’t I jump at the chance to be placed into another body if it’s how I would ideally see myself as female. For the record we are probably talking Renée Felice Smith or Caity Lotz or Michelle Hendley. If this magical device was around of course I’d use it.
But the point that sticks in my mind when imagining this scenario is that if it was somehow possible to change my body or be placed into a body that was female then would it not also be possible to be place in the ideal male body. And again yes given the choice I would swop bodies for one that looked like Stephen Amell or Tom Ellis.

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And the point that crossed my mind was if I was able to do any of this would I still be ME. Because I am made up of my experiences and act accordingly. If I suddenly was more confident in my looks would my attitude change? Would I do things I normal wouldn’t? Is what makes me who I am simply my thoughts, my soul or is also connected to the body I inhabit?
Let’s look at the scenario of this girl I like. One of the things holding me back is my insecurity about my looks. Would see go for someone like me. Am I too old looking? Not hunky enough? Wrong colour hair? Fairly shallow stuff but its true many people go for people they find attractive. (I know it’s not always about looks) If I looked like Tom Ellis would I feel more confident at asking her out and also would I actually be more successful in this new body? And if I looked like Caity Lotz would I have less chance then I do now being the same sex. Would I even bother trying or just end up being a ‘girl’ friend hanging around with her. Already we can see that changing bodies would make me act differently than the Me sitting here right now.

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Another scenario that has always kicked around in my head is what would it be like if I suddenly found myself leaping back into my body of when I was say fourteen, back at school but with all the memories I had built up over the years? Would I change how I did things back then? Of course I bloody would. Johnny Hates Jazz had a song called Turn Back the Clock. While it sums up about how I feel about getting older the lines about not wanting to change a single day can go right out the window. I probably had even less confidence as a teenager then I do now. If I knew what I know now of course I would use it to my advantage. I could retry to do all those things I never did and regret missing out on. I could change my career path, join the police force like I wanted to.
But then once again that would change the person I am now. I have been shaped by the people and events of my life. Would I really make changes to my life if it meant that I never met some of the people that had meant so much to me over the years? Sure some of those people have brought me heartache and taken me to the darkest times in my life but there are many memories there. Precious ones. And which changes would I make? Ones that made me more popular with girls, a better career. Or maybe I would have started transitioning at an early age. Now that would be a life changing direction.
Either way none of those people, for better or worse, would be the same person that is sitting here now in a café typing out these words. I am unique just like everyone else in the world. The Doctor once said, “A man is the sum of his memories.” I guess that’s what makes me, ME.

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Media and desserts

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It is the twenty first century. Even in the short time I have been on the planet technology has moved so fast. Televisions, Computers, mobile phones. I’ve nothing against them. I love my laptop. For ages I had a simple mobile phone simply for calls and texting before getting one that had internet and I couldn’t go back now to a basic. As for TV. When I was a kind my uncle gave me his old black and white small television to have in my room. Now the TV in front of me is a 32in flat screen connected to the net. I have Sky, Netflix, Amazon Prime and You Tube at the push of a button. The computer I had as a kid was a Commodore 64. You had to plug a tape player to it to load the game. Waiting for ten minutes while it loaded to a screen of flickering coloured lines hoping that it would load correctly and not just reach the end of the tape and switch off. Now a game can be loaded instantly or played online.
Even in just the last ten years things have changed so much. Doctor Who came back and I use to have to make sure I was home to watch it even though I would record it on VHS tape. These days my Sky box is set up to record it and even though I have the DVDs most of the series is available to watch on my screen at any time. It’s very easy these days to catch up with your favourite shows and I have quite a few. This is a list of the programmes I’m watching at the moment. NCIS, NCIS Los Angeles (currently waiting to catch up from season 4 onwards) MacGyver, Hawaii Five-0, Bull, Lucifer, Supergirl, The Flash, Legends of Tomorrow, Arrow and currently on season four of Gold Rush and just started watching Blindspot. Not only that but Elementary season five starts this month. That is thirteen hours of television!! (and that’s if I only watch one episode of Blindspot, Gold Rush and Los Angeles a week)

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This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. They usually take a break over Christmas and the programmes for the majority show over the winter season when it’s too wet and cold to go outside anyway but still I finds myself simply sat watching TV then feeling bad as I haven’t done anything around the house, or no writing, no more learning on the guitar or simply just reading my book. Towards the end of the running seasons I start working out how many episodes are left, how many more weeks until I get some of my free time back. Yes I know I could simply stop watching or cut down but to be honest I love these shows, I’m connected to the characters. And I can’t argue about how useful internet technology is. You Tube is helping me learn guitar, there are various writing forums and website out there where I can get tips and feedback.
In the old days things weren’t too bad. Adverts were annoying but at least during that time I could nip out and do bits in the five minutes break. Now most of the time I’m able to forward through them. I have to physically make time to go and do stuff. Yesterday was quite nice in that I didn’t turn my TV on until about eight in the evening.
It is the same when I go walking. True I enjoy listening to music but once in a while I will take out the headphones and stop and just listen to the world around me and apart from using it to tell the time my phone stays in my pocket. Phones these days have become almost attached to our hands, I’m just as guilty checking Facebook or the LGTB forum, playing Criminal Case or Song Pop. I do however generally keep the phone in my pocket most of the time I’m out and about. Last Friday at work I had to pop out. In one part of town I had one woman pushing a pram with one hand whilst using her phone in the other while she crossed a busy road. Later when I actually wanted to take a turning to the store a cyclist riding on the pavement while speaking on his mobile shot across the turning without even realising I was there. People today are so focused with their phone they fail to take in the things around them.

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Many people think we have to much technology and thus we just waste away our precious time while others think that we live in a marvellous age and technology is the best thing around. I think the answer is somewhere in between. It’s like desserts. I love desserts, I always get a craving in the evenings for something sweet but I have an ever-growing waist so I’m mindful of how much I eat. I think it’s the same for technology. It’s good, very good but it is better in moderation. I try now to watch one of my programmes then take time to do something before watching something else. I’d rather be out doing stuff on my Saturday and use my Sunday for relaxing in front of the TV. But boy I really need to get out and do more.

 

 

Musings on Saturdays and Sundays

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So the aforementioned walk. It’s a gorgeous sunny Saturday. And one of the things that crosses my mind is that it feels like a Saturday and that I wished that I had got up earlier in the day. I wanted to do some tidying before going to do some writing. I wanted to do something. But what.
I begin to think back on my childhood. Saturdays to me was always a day that felt like it was made for adventure. Friday night I always seemed to stay at my Nan’s so Saturday morning I would be up. Watch cartoons and Going Live whilst eating an Animal bar and having a hot chocolate (I never drank Tea until much later in life) before going out to play with my friends. Later in life Saturday meant meeting up with my mate Nick and might involve a shopping trip to the city or washing his car. Even as an adult Saturdays were spent hanging out with friends, weather off doing something or just relaxing. Ut that’s my Saturday and more than once over the years I’ve wondered how others spend their Saturdays. I use to see strangers in their gardens or through the window into their houses and I’d get a brief flash of imagining what their life was like. Weather I was ever right I’d never know. I also remember a girl I worked with and thinking how does she and her husband spend their Saturday. What do they get up and do.
You see I have this notion in my head of what a Saturday should be like. I think it’s getting up and putting the TV on. Maybe the music channels to listen to whilst having a morning cuppa and maybe doing bits around the house. Perhaps it’s relaxing with a book on the sofa. Or just sat watching movies on TV and preparing lunch. What is this idyllic lifestyle I’m dreaming of? AS I walk I see people out cutting their grass. Ah now there’s a memory. A strong one, a favourite one from my childhood, my dad cutting the grass, the sound of the mower, over head the sound of a propeller plane or helicopter. The smell of the cut grass in the heat of summer. The smell of petrol. The feel of heat on my skin and the feeling of happiness and carefree. It is a moment I think of whenever I hear the sound of propellers faintly in the sky or the sound of a mower or the smell of cut grass.
Saturday to me is for relaxing after a week of work but also doing something. Work on the car or pottering in the garden. Going out shopping somewhere or maybe cutting the grass and having a BBQ. Maybe it’s out playing football. I just know that with so few Saturdays in our life they should be lived to the full and enjoyed.

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But what about Sundays. Sundays are also part of the weekend but somehow they feel different. True all those things I’ve mentioned above could be done on a Sunday. Indeed I plan on cutting my grass tomorrow. But for me Sunday has always got Monday looming over it. It’s back to work the next day. No staying up late. Sunday is a day for relaxing. Not doing anything. Maybe a pint or two in the local. That’s what my childhood always thinks of. Going down he local football club on a Sunday morning. My Mum would be working behind the bar and my dad drinking on the other side. We would have a bottle of coke. Proper glass bottles and hopefully get on the pool table. In fact even when I and my brother stayed at my nans in the holidays this is what happened with my Gramp. Him drinking at the pub whilst we eat crisps and drink coke.
Then followed by a Sunday roast. Actually our Sunday roast was always on a Monday due to my mum working. But yeah for most people, even myself now it’s a roast for Sunday. When I live with one of my girlfriend years ago Sundays followed this pattern. She would cook a Sunday Roast then we would relax in front of the TV.
So that’s Sunday, relaxing ready for a week of work ahead and not really doing anything. It’s funny how to days, both on the weekend can feel different. To have some kind of idea in my head of what those days should be like.
It’s now half seven on a Saturday evening and I haven’t tidied nothing up as planned. But I’ve done some washing. I have washing up in the sink. I’ve done some work on my novel and written a few blog posts. I’ve been for a nice long walk and had a pint with friends. Maybe this Saturday hasn’t been too bad overall and there is always tomorrow morning before the Sunday roast.

 

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Reflections on the past, facing the future

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Ok it’s been a little while since I’ve posted. Life has been a little busy recently. There is a couple of blogs I’m working on to do with music but it’s taking some time. I’ve also been busy with starting another novel. NaNoWrimo is running their April writing camp and I’ve set myself a goal of 20000 words for the month. (Currently on 10200)
It’s another great day. The sun is shining, the day is warm with the promise of a hot week to come. I’ve spent a couple of hours in the café writing and now I fancy a walk. I’m thinking maybe half an hour to an hour. It actually takes me about two hours but it’s good. I have my music playing, I’m exploring the countryside and I’m musing on things. I start with thinking about my novel. Ideas for scenes, where my main character is heading. In amongst this my mind starts wondering to other topics and it’s while I’m out walking that I realise something. At this moment I am happy. I feel content. Sure not everything in my life is perfect but things are ok at the moment. I still want out of the job I’m in but I’ve come to terms with the job and don’t get as stressed or depressed about it as I was a few months ago. My love life is also still up in the air but I’ll keep working on it and whichever eay things with this girl goes I know I can get on with my life.
As I’m taking in the sounds and the smell of the things around me and thinking where the hell am I and will I ever find my way back home I think of where I am. I can see for miles across the quarry I’m currently making myself around thinking on just how far I seemed to have walked and remembering previous times I’ve been out for walks. A lot of those walks have evolved soul searching and a lot of brooding. Many times I feel pangs of regrets that I’ve got older as I remember my past and think on regrets and how my situations have changed over the years from times when I was happy to now. About things that I’ve missed out on.
This doesn’t happen this time. I realise that I’ve had a good life. Not what some people might think is fantastic. I haven’t travelled far and wide. I haven’t been off on great adventures or spent time pursuing some extreme sport or activity. But I’ve been to uni. I’ve been a Ghost Hunter. I’ve had some good relationships with good friends over the years even if some of those friendship are now sadly gone or changed into something less than what they were.

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You see I spend a lot of time reflecting on my past. Remembering times when I felt happy. With pain in my heart I also want to go back and have thing how they were before. But recently I read some words of Russel T Davis the man who brought Doctor Who back to our scenes thirteen years ago. About how he is often asked if he would go back to writing for Doctor Who and his answer is no. Not because he didn’t enjoy it but because he realises that he has moved forward and looks towards the future.
I’ve spent so long thinking how I loved it when I was hanging out with my best friend or how I wish I was still in uni that sometimes I make myself feel as if my life is over and the best years are behind me. And I’ve always been afraid of getting older. I want to be young again, fresh faced and full fringed. And these are the kind of thoughts has made me get stuck in a rut instead of thinking what’s next. And I have always worried about change. Ever since I was a teenager I realised that change always come. There is that saying where people talk of children wanting to grow up to fast. That never happened to be. I loved my childhood and I didn’t want it to end. I tried to cling on to it for dear life. I wasn’t worried about wanting to be old enough to drive or drink. Because it meant I also had to work. I had to grow up and be mature. I wanted to carry on playing in the woods, building camps and enjoying long sunny holidays with nothing much to do but hang out with my friends. I wanted to run forever and feel the wind beneath my feet.
I ended up working and I loved the job but it came to an end. I started another job, not great but I met a woman who would become one of my best friends and together we got into ghost hunting and I felt true happiness for the first time and the fear things would change and ultimately in a self-prophecy kind of way it did. But after a year I pulled myself together. Before we fell out my friend had suggested I go back to college at the time we fell out I was already looking at uni. And I loved uni. I enjoyed the lessons, I like writing and doing the research and even more I enjoyed hanging out with fellow students in the SU bar.
And this time I learnt to saviour every moment because I knew this time there was a time limit of this situation. Uni was for three years and nothing I could do could change that so instead of worrying about it I just took every moment for what it was worth.
Things change but if we concentrate on trying to make your life better then things will come along. I’ve forgotten to think about my future. I’ve forgotten to live in the present. This moment right here and right now where I feel content and happy isn’t the time to mope about the lost past. I have to start trying to find and enjoy the good times again. No they won’t be the same as before. It might involve different people, different lifestyle but it could be fun. It could be good. I still have plenty of life left and its there for enjoying. I have ideas buzzing around in my head and I want to get back home to get writing. Instead nearing the end of my walk and on the last stretch home I get picked up in a car by two men and taken for a drink (its ok I know them, a lucky coincidence being there at that moment. It leads to an invitation to a party later in the month. Things are hopefully coming to me again. If anything my past has taught me that these things usually come around.

 

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Musings on Karma and Hell on Earth

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I’m in a good mood today. No change that I’m in a great mood. I got up late sure but I guess I needed the sleep. It’s been a hard week but now I feel fully rested. Yesterday I wrote the end of my novel. Ok I still have about a thousand words to write and then a lot of editing and rewrites to go through but writing those last few lines of a story that has taken me the last year to write was a wonderful feeling. The sun is out. I go to do my shopping enjoying driving and listening to my music. After shopping I go to get fuel. The station is rather full and a car from the other direction is waiting to get in. There is also another car behind me who I believe is trying to get pass to exit the store car park. I’m trying to be nice so I pull out of the way to let them go on round. The car in front of me at the garage and I wave the car opposite me to go in front. Just as she is about to move the car behind me goes around pulling into the garage in front of both of us.
It’s annoying but I continue to let the waiting lady go in front of me before finding my own pump at the garage. I fill up and go to play. The woman I let in is just in front of me also paying. I look around for the car that had pushed in front of both of us. The pump she had pulled up to had been out of order. She’s had to wait until the car in front has moved and so she is still filling up. I finish paying just as she comes in to pay. I don’t need to say anything. My mood is still good and I feel a sense of justice that even though she had pushed in both myself and the other lady have already finish. A sense of karma having prevailed.

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It’s a funny business this idea of karma. I’ve seen friends use the phase all the time on Facebook when someone has crossed them. Karma will bite them in the ass is the usual comment. I have one friend who often says this having fallen out with someone. Rather ironically she is a person who has in the past crossed people and sure enough bad things have happened to her and yet she never thinks that this might be karma working against her. Sometimes I guess people only think that karma is something that can be wished on other people.
But surely the idea behind karma (in as much as it’s used as a catch all term) is that there is rewards for being a good person and punishment if you are not and isn’t wishing bad karma on someone also a bad deed. Is it just a case of wanting to feel that somehow justice is done and people can’t get away with doing bad things? That some universal force will sort this all out. And again if this is true then is there such a thing as free will? That we have to be good because otherwise something bad will happen to us?
It’s an idea that has been around for centuries. In some ideas of reincarnation it depends on what sort of life you’ve lived before that influences your next life. That we need to learn some sort of lesson that we failed on previously. Even in Christianity there is the idea that if we are good in this life we go to heaven but if we sin we go to hell. So if you are someone who believes in the idea of karma surely you should be spending your life trying to do as much good as you can in this lifetime and void anything bad. It may seem like a nice world but then all we are doing is good things for the sake of reward and not simple because we want to.
And the fact is if this universal law applies all over then that would mean those people who are good should always be successful in life and those who are bad will have a terrible life but we can see that this just isn’t true. I suppose in the end it’s just nice when justice does seem to be done. That’s why we like crime dramas I guess.
But we must also think about what is considered to be bad, what actions deserves punishment. What if someone does a bad deed but with good intentions or visa versa. The trolley problem is a good example of this.

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How many times I’ve read something to do with Trans gender and the usual comment about how trying to change gender is against God and will be punished. Really? This is what your God does? Go around punishing people who are trying to find their way in this world and to be the person they want to be? When I read such comments I get mad and to me it’s those people who need a dose of karma for being so hateful. So really I’m just as bad as many others out there.

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As for the whole idea of heaven or hell well I’m a fan of the TV show Lucifer and on the episode I watched this morning there is a scene where Lucifer comments that he is not the one who sends people to Hell. It is the person themselves that sends themselves there. Trapped in a world of their own guilt and remorse.

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And while driving back home thinking on the idea of karma and the idea of good and bad I realise that while the idea behind Lucifer’s comment is that we create on own hell I think that this is something we sometimes do here in our own lifetime.
We can try and be the sort of person we want to be and we have a choice on whether we do good things or bad. Sometime yes we may get carried away with events, swept along with the tide. How many crimes are committed in the heat of the moment? Maybe we do something unaware of the consequences of those actions. We don’t see the result.
Ultimately then does all this boils down to the fact of whether someone feels guilty for their actions. If we do something bad and we know then is the right thing to do is to try and make amends. Maybe we can’t fix the original problem but we can try and rebalance the scales. Something I touched upon in the blog of Angel as a role model looking for redemption for his past deeds. And for all his bad press and people blaming him for the evil in the world Lucifer is at heart a good person. He punishes those who deserve punishment and by doing so helps the police solve crimes and catch the bad guys.
Maybe we should stop wishing karma will come and sort people out and concentrate on being the type of person that doesn’t deserve it. Instead of making our own hell and blaming other people for it we can make it that our heaven is a place on Earth. I know it’s not easy. Yeah I feel great today but maybe tomorrow I’ll feel my depression hit me again. I will feel bad over choices I’ve made in the past, people I’ve lost and how my life is stuck and I can’t seem to get out. Hopefully I will be able in those times look back at this post and remind myself that I can do some things to make myself feel better, that there is still good things to come in my life and that I can choose to feel the way I do.

 

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Role Models Encore

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So that it. I’ve posted about the six role models heroes that have help defined the person I am today and gave me insights to the kind of person I want to be. Six fictional males. This may seem a bit odd given certain revelations I have made on this page but…
Well for a start one could now argue that with Jodie Whittaker stepping into the role the Doctor can also be female. True but at the time of writing the original list the new series hadn’t even started let alone the idea that one day there would be a female Doctor. Likewise however my Trans feelings only really came to the front last year. And though the representatives of these role models are male the traits that they embody for me are not necessarily male. He-man gave me my sense of morals, of right and wrong. The same as his sister She-Ra who I also watched as a child. Spider-man is the sense of responsibility for my actions and to keep fighting and not give up. Supergirl could be said to be the same and Angel is about redemption for your past, something I could have easily got from watching Xena who follows the same themes of trying to make up for her bad past and finally making the ultimate sacrifice in order to make amends.
That’s not to say there hasn’t been or isn’t female characters that I do like. Apart from those mentioned above there is Buffy and from the Arrow Universe there is Sara Lance the Black/White Canary, a character who I really admire and wouldn’t mind being like.

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The same can be said for Alex Drake from Ashes to Ashes. I love her style of dress and her attitude to the world she finds herself in. Bernice Summerfield is my one of my favourite Doctor Who companions who influenced me enough to base some of my novel’s character on. Yeah there are parts of her I’d like to be like, loyal, hardworking, sarcastic wit, able to hold her booze but the idea behind the list was those characters had qualities that I could identify with and highlighted qualities that I could find within myself. There are plenty of characters on both sides of gender that have aspects that I like but not enough that they have actually influenced me into the person I am. Not enough to become role models that I can draw on when I need inspiration or courage or faith in myself.
But there is another thing about this list I wrote so long ago. There were in fact seven heroes on that list and the final one has two things that the others didn’t and I’m not talking the obvious here. Firstly she is female. Secondly she wasn’t fictional. Yes for all the points made above about the role models I’ve blogged being all male they are also all fictional. Characters that are given interesting backgrounds, can do amazing feats and above all draw on a wealth of writers and their ideas melding together to make the character.

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Since I wrote that list I would say that the list has grown a little with a few more role models added and all of them are real females that I admire and take something from that helps define who I am. And that’s who I’m going to talk about now. But I’m aware that these are real people and they may not want their names posted and so I will use simple letters.
The woman that was on the original list was N. A person that I worked with some years ago. She was brilliant and we worked together well, knew how each other operated allowing our office to run smoothly. Even when she had problems she would always appear bubbly and cheerful. She had a great sense of strength about her and this is what I took from here. She was always someone I could talk to about my problems and unlike the other role models who could on guide me through my knowledge of their characters N could give me real advice and feedback. She did a lot to help boost my confidence in myself. So when looking for strength and confidence in what I’m doing I think back on her. Sadly we are no longer in contact with each other but to this day I always remember the things I learnt from her. Hell she was the one who taught me how to multi task.
After N came J. She taught me a lot of spiritual stuff. She is how I got into ghost hunting. To me she always seems to glow with a youthful energy. She help me learn about trusting in karma and the balance of the universe. She is who I need when I’m feeling drained or feel like everything is against me. And she too gave me confidence and the belief that I could be a better person and to believe that I could get what I want. It was her that made the suggestion to go to college which in turn lead to university.

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C I have known for years. She is an amazing woman and probably the closest I would say to an actual superhero. I also know she may read this blog as out of everyone I know she is the only one I trust completely with my secrets. She has done so much in her life that I wish I had done myself. An excellent musician, she has had the courage to get up on stage to sing. I’d love to play the guitar and piano. I also have the dream of getting up on stage (especially as my alter ego) but lack the courage so much at the moment. On top of this she has done so many other things which I’d better not mention here and yet always seemed to take on so much more on top. She is a fighter, always getting back up when she’s knocked down because she need to. Clever, witty and always, always stands up for herself and what she believes in. I cannot name what traits I take from her because it’s her whole character overall. She is like many of my heroes rolled into one. J might have been the one who lead me to university but C is the one who helped me get through it. She has been there for me in my darkest hours allowing me to find my way again. Seriously this woman needs a cape.
She can be quite bossy though.

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So that’s it. Three more role models, real life role models at that who I believe are amazing and would love to have just some of the strength, determination, courage and abilities that they have. I’ll also just add one more recent female who I have been following through the media this year. C.M. She is a transgender person who documented her transformation online over the last few years. (I had to play catch-up and watched as she over time turned into this very attractive woman. But it’s not just her bravery at doing those videos and her determination to go through everything she has had to in order to become the woman she wanted but she has also created the life that she wants for herself. She is now a racing driver, a traveller and a presenter. She has changed herself and her life to how she wanted it to be and I hope that, with her and every other of my role models, real or fiction in mind, I too can overcome the obstacles in my way. To fight for what I want, to be whom I want and to have the life that I want. And I hope those who have read this can find the strength to do this too.
Here endith the lesson.

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My Beliefs

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Recently on a forum a question was asked about religion. More specifically how do you feel about other religions? With many people stating which religion they followed. My answer included the fact that I’m a Wiccan Jedi. Which raised some interest. It’s not the first time I’ve mentioned it. It says it in the about me part of this blog and I was engaged in a very interesting conversation one night in the SU bar at uni with another student. I had also started to write a blog post about being a Wiccan Jedi to explain my beliefs but then I found myself struggling. You see I do like the Jedi religion. I’ve spent a great time studying it and would have explored it further had I gone on to do my Masters degree.
And I do believe that it should be considered a real religion in a way. Forget the films and the ideas of light sabres. For most being a Jedi is leading a life seeking knowledge, something I love doing anyway. It also teaches how to be at peace with yourself and to be a good person. But then does someone really need to follow a ‘religion’ in order to accomplish those things. You see there is nothing in my being a Jedi that requires any dedication and as shown by the blogs on role models our morals and values can come from various sources. One of my tutors at University, Dave Webster wrote the book Dispirited. In which he claims that being using Spiritual to define your belief system is basically lazy as you pick out the bits you like and leave out those that you don’t. Therefore there is no inner debate or theorisation within yourself on ‘ethical’ issues relating to said beliefs. And I began to think that really this is what I was doing with the Jedi religion. (Let me be straight here, I don’t think this is a flaw with Jedi religion just with me personally.) While there is nothing I leave out of being a Jedi it seems to be that I like the ideas contained within in and so call myself a Jedi.

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The same could be said for the Wicca part. I don’t cast spells (although I have in the past) or follow any deity. For me it is because it is connected to nature and I like nature. But there is something I feel that connects the two religions which is why if I had done my Master’s my dissertation would have made the case for Jedism being a pagan religion because both religions indicate a belief in a force. Sure in the films Obi Wan explains how the force is a energy that surrounds and penetrates everything around us and some of those, myself included, believe that there is actually a force out there. For me I think that it is a natural energy force that at times we can feel and I believe that when we die our energy become part of this universal force. There is a similar type of force in Wicca called the All or the One. I also think that this force is part of what we think of as karma, In Chinese cultures it is known as QI or Chi and for those that follow the Law of Attraction the universal energy. Given that George Lucus when writing Star Wars took inspiration from many religious sources this is likely where the ideas came from.

 

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So yeah my main belief allowing me to claim to be Wicca or Jedi is this belief in this force. That’s it, everything else that is Jedi or Wiccan such as meditation, Do no harm to others, to seek knowledge is just part of who I am and like Geroge Lucus’s Jedi’s and his force it all comes from various sources that I have fused together to try and be the person I want to. There is nothing I do to go out of my way to practiced or debate any ethical issues. I believe in something that hasn’t been proven but I don’t really go around telling people about it.
So why is my beliefs been playing on my mind recently. Well there is the girl I like (see blog post Trapped.) She has recently become a Christian. Wasn’t before, is now. I have no problem with that, I’m all for people finding their own way in life and even if I have taken the mickey out of Christianity before now I still respect peoples beliefs. And to be fair this girl is not going around ramming it down people’s throats. She’s not frowning on people doing things that might go against her beliefs but she does follow them. She goes out and does things related to being a Christian. You know the type of thing. A stall at a public event, that sort of thing. She has a dedication to her religion.
Now I don’t think I’m going to become a Christian myself, it’s not really my thing. I mean if I can’t really dedicate myself to the religions I am drawn to what chance is there for one that I’m not. But would I, if put in the situation, go out and help on one of this stalls. Well the answer is yes. Not because of any belief and not just because I’ll want to impress this girl. (all right it would be a big part of the reason I would but come on whose going to blame me) but because I’m the kind of person that would help out if asked. I feel like it’s my duty on this planet to help others and while my head might hold the idea it’s because I’m a Jedi really deep down I think I’m just, for the most part, a nice person and I don’t need a religion to be that person.
So that’s my belief. That there is some kind of force out there, somewhere where we go when we die and, something that we can ask for help, or for guidance or even for the girl. Time maybe for me to go meditate or chant and focus on what I want. Or at the very least stand by those things I do believe in and make sure I’m the best person I can be. And while I’m about it may be ask the universe for people to have a bit of tolerance for those who believe something different.

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