Trans Matters II – The Wrath of Twitter

 

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So recently I’ve been a bit quiet on my blog. Mainly because I’ve been caught up with other things. I revisited my old Twitter account. I’d started one years ago but didn’t get on with it and left it. Now I have several people I’m following and it’s been a good platform for me to interact with trans people and to come a bit more out. My profile pic is my Supergirl one.

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Of course by doing this I have got caught up with much of the ‘debate’ surrounding Trans issues especially in light of the consultation of reforms to the Gender Reform Act regarding self I.D. A move I am in favour of. To be honest I was a bit unprepared for the amount of hate coming from those who not only oppose it but in some cases even oppose Trans women. It is truly horrifying. That is to say that some people opposed to self I.D don’t have reasonable concerns but in many cases are ill informed on the subject.
My own reaction to any attack levelled toward myself is to talk back. Not shout and argue or get into arguments but just to answer back and in many ways in an unexpected and possibly weird way. A trick I learnt from the comedian Joe Lycett. For an example:
Recently I was embroiled on a thread mainly talking about Labour. Of course it wasn’t long before some people who didn’t agree with me changed from bashing Labour to bashing me, attacking me simply from my profile photo. One such individual actually posted ‘Does he really think he’s Supergirl. I want to vomit.’ Now despite my powers of being able to make a woman I’ve never met or spoken to apparently physically sick I know I’m not Supergirl. Now I could have simply told her where to go but I didn’t. Instead I wrote back ‘Of course I don’t think I’m Supergirl’. Followed by this gif.

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Weather it was meant sarcastically of because she was confused or simply she wanted to still try and get a rise out of me her response was. ‘But I guess you want everyone to think you’re a woman.’ Now there is nothing on my Twitter profile that mentions I’m Trans or questioning. I believe I mention that I’m questioning somewhere in the thread but I’m guessing that she hadn’t read this. And at the moment as I am only questioning and that I may only wish to do this in an artist way my response was ‘Personally I don’t give a shit’ followed by how I do want to get better at passing. This was then followed by her giving me make up tips and advice on how to get a better look to pass better as a natural woman. She’d gone from vomiting at the thought of me to trying to help me pass better.
While I take great delight that I managed to turn this women’s viewpoint around and count it as a victory I’m aware that I wasn’t really standing up for Trans rights in this way. It is something I try to do though. Not long after this incident the news came out about Trump trying to effectively erase Trans people. Its timing was also coincidently with the airing of episode three of the new series of Doctor Who, Rosa. (Look if you don’t know about Rosa Parks, go look her up and then come back) One reviewer of the show, who is also genderqueer, mentions that one problem with the episode is it shows no one else standing up for Rosa on the bus. It’s a valid point. Of course the Doctor and friends can’t interfere on this occasion no matter how hard it is for them. But now there is a comparison between then and now and quite rightly as this You Tuber says people do need to stand up for those being discriminated against. It can’t just be down to the victims.

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I had to remind myself of this very recently as some of the hate on Twitter nearly made me give up. A report on a woman, a mother, who abused a twelve year old in America came to light and immediately comments were made on why there was no mention of her being trans, on how it was obvious a male. The usual transphobic crap and do you know what. There was no official mention of this person being trans. Nothing mentioned in reports, just transphobic people deciding that a woman let alone a mother could do this so they changed the facts to fit their narrow minded views. And they say they can always tell. Huh.
Right deep breath.
In many ways the whole Trans thing has reminded me of the X-men graphic novel. God loves, Man kills. I recently dug it out of storage to re-read as events sparked memories of the story line. A story line where there is a movement out to eradicate mutants, such is the hate towards them. There is no attempt to try and understand mutants and the leader of the movement even turns on his most loyal follower when it’s indicated she too might have mutant genes. In the end it’s not only the X-men that stand up for their rights but one solitary police officer doing what is right, protecting one young mutant when she is threatened.

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It’s not the only X-men comparison I’ve made. Two weeks previous to writing this I tweeted about how maybe there should be a registration of Trans people so they can be policed before pointing out this was a plot of the X-men which didn’t work out so well in the end. It was a joke showing how absurd the idea is and yet this week the idea of a register was suggested. It is truly scary times we live in and I fear for those people across the pond. Certainly the X-men comics contains at its core the issues of hate against a minority. Currently the new season of Supergirl is also dealing with these kinds of issues, using aliens as its metaphor. They have also added a new transgender character. Hopefully a positive step in the right direction.
So regardless of what I decided about myself. Regardless of how I ‘protect’ myself on Twitter I will continue to stand up and fight for people’s right to be accepted for who they are. Rosa reinforced that in me and indeed the Doctor in general. In doing so I rewatched the twelfth Doctor’s speech to the Master and Missy. Because fighting a battle (even on Twitter) is not about winning, it’s not about beating somebody. It’s definitely not because it’s easy. It’s because it’s right and above all its kind. It’s just kind.

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Drag Wars 2018

 

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So recently I found myself back in my old university town of Cheltenham when I attended two out of the three shows of Drag Wars 2018 completion. Unfortunately I was unable to go to heat one due to being at Pride. This was the first Drag Wars I’ve attended, or any drag competition to be honest. The competition is a spin off from, Felicia’s Drag Race, done by my friend, Miss Felicia. The competition is run by Misty Monique. A Drag Queen with a unique and literally out of this world look who won Drag Race in 2015.

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So heat two consisted of serval acts for whom we had to use our tickets to vote for. To be fair every act was not only good but very different to each other. Some were just a bit weaker than others. Among them one shone out to me, Ophelia Cox, Gloucester’s youngest Drag Queen. A fantastic act with a few little tricks up her sleeve (or more to the point down her dress) and she has a great classy look. I was definitely impressed by her style and I loved the dress she was wearing. I was able to talk to her afterwards to find out the make and where to get one from. (Which I promptly did with a view of doing a Jessica Rabbit style photo set sometime soon.) So that was one of my votes used before I even saw the rest.

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Another of my votes went to Hevvi Flo, young, energetic, memorising. The show she put on was like nothing I’d seen before. The moves that she did on stage was amazing. It was clear early on that she was definitely a favourite to go through to the next round. The judges voted highly of her.
My third and final vote was harder to cast. I was torn between a few of the acts. True I could have cast a second vote for Ophelia but felt I should spread my vote. In the end my final vote went to Semi Colon, a woman that not only gave a good show but put across a message about accepting yourself. Ultimately and rightly (IMO) it was Ophelia and Hevvi Flo that went through to the final.
So a few weeks later I find myself back to watch the final. Sadly Hevvi Flo had to pull out beforehand due to illness, a shame as she was a favourite to win. There was also an act brought back, Astro, from heat one, who gave an enjoyable performance. Ophelia gave another good performance although it felt a little less snazzy then the first. There were still a few surprises in her performance however.
They were followed by the two winners from heat one, Ravenna Slayshon and Sage. For me personally Sage didn’t hit the right spot for me but the act was good and very emotional. You could tell it was very personal and I couldn’t fault it. Then there was Ravenna. Wow. This Queen knew how to put on a show. Dragged to the stage on a blanket pulled by four guys who then helped lift her up onto stage it was an amazing performance. For a little pub in Cheltenham it was almost like a show by Madonna or Gaga in a stadium. Her performance was faultless. Sadly, for me, her performance was overshadowed by a rather large and very vocal fan base.
So when it came to voting it was a no brainer. All three of my votes went to Ophelia Cox. Sadly however it was Sage and Ravenna who were the clear winners going thorough to the final stage of the competition. This then left me with a dilemma as it was hard to choose who to vote for in this round. Both were very good. Both deserved the vote. I held off for most of the voting time but eventually (maybe wrongly) my mind was made up by Ravenna’s own fans. Their antics and attitude towards the other acts had annoyed me and so Sage got my vote. Ultimately though Ravenna was the winner and to be fair she is going to be fantastic but hopefully many of the other acts I saw will go on to have great success. They certainly deserve it.
So that was Drag Wars 2018 and I loved it and look forward to Drag Wars 2019. There was an incredible atmosphere at both shows, and presumably heat one, with the place packed out. The final finished with the acts, judges and hosts performing Lady Marmalade. A fitting show stopper.
Already I have tickets for Misty Monique’s next show at Christmas, Oh my Drag – An X-rated Xmas.

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It’s going to be amazing and I’m looking forward to because like Drag Wars it will feature a Drag Queen who has become one of my favourites. No not one of the acts but Luna Lakes, Misty’s cohort and pre show host. She performed for the opening of the shows as well as throughout and was brilliant. Ok, I’m happy to admit I may just have a little crush on her. Her look is amazing as well as the persona and she just blew me away. The interactions between here and Misty make for a great double act. Even a live Facebook feed that they did together out of drag just shows how much chemistry these two have.
So not only did I enjoy the show but it’s also made me question even more where I want to go with myself. I’m still not sure if I’m Trans or just enjoy becoming female for a little time in an artistic way to take photos. I do want to get better with both my look and how I model myself in the photos. At present out of two hundred photos maybe only five or six I’m happy with. It may well be that I could be happy in doing drag. I already have a stage name in my head. Cherry Ade, cool yeah? (Well I like it). So this is something I’m going to look into. It’s not the first time I’ve considered it. Many years ago when in College I thought about doing drag but never did. Drag Wars has certainly proven inspirational.
So I have plans to get some professional help with make-up and to talk with Miss Felicia for some tips and I’ll see where I go. I’d love to have a look like Luna and Ophelia, except unfortunately older. Maybe sometime it’ll be me up there on stage trying to impress the judges and the audience without fainting. And I don’t think I’d even be that worried about winning. I’d just love to have the courage to have a go and hopefully not suck. All I’ve got to do is develop some talent first and judging by the acts I saw I’ll have some hard work ahead of me.

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Photos of Ophelia Cox and Misty Monique used with kind permission. Links to their Facebook site below.

https://www.facebook.com/themistymonique/?ref=br_rs

https://www.facebook.com/pg/TheOpheliaCox/services/?ref=page_internal

Plus links to Miss Felicia and Luna Lakes

https://www.facebook.com/Miss-Felicia-215562955978/

https://www.facebook.com/delunasional/

 

 

 

 

 

Who Am I

 

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So recently in circle we were asked to tell the rest of the group who we were, to describe ourselves briefly. Thinking back on this later I realised that A) I could have brought out more about myself then I reviled but sadly my anxiety got the better of me and I forgot some of what I wanted to say. B) I could have talked for a good half hour then the min or two we had.
I started off that night saying something I have said before. That if everyone I’ve known came to my funeral they would have different views on who I was. They would sit there and describe me in different ways. Yes there may be a few common things. That I always tried to be there for people, that I was able to take whatever banter was thrown my way. But there would be so many things reviled that others wouldn’t have known. So many more sides to my character.

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I’ve suffered from depression on and off for years. I’ve thought of suicide and I’ve self-harmed in the past. I’ve questioned my gender, my sanity and my place in the world. Why am I here? What is my purpose? Who the hell am I?
Over the years I’ve studied psychology, philosophy, religion, mediumship, life coaching etc etc in a lifelong quest to figure things out and to find answers. Often the answers have led to even more questions. Sometimes they have led to me pushing myself in directions I never thought my life would take.

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Those poor people sitting there reminiscing about my life, remembering me. “Happy go lucky.” “Carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.” “Lots of friends, very outgoing.” “Loner, secluded, kept himself to himself.” Hell even my hair colour isn’t consistent. Ginger, blond, brown, red. What chance have they got getting to the real me?
I use to be someone who would post uplifting inspiration quotes on Facebook, The last few years have found me in a slightly more cynical frame of mind. However many of the quotes I’ve used over the year in my blog are ones that have spoken personally to me. Maybe I should get back to posting such things. Not only do they reinforce those ideas into my own mind but they allow others a little insight to myself. A little glimpse of things I believe. I’m certainly not the same person I was twenty years ago. Or ten, five or even two.
I would like to think, at that wake that people would not so much be mourning my lost but celebrating my life. Recalling many stories about me as they do. I like to think I’ve had an interesting life. It’s not all been plan sailing. There have been a lot of hard times that I’ve had to overcome. Walls thrown up in my way. It’s not always gone the way I would have liked and there are regrets, missed opportunities and things I would love to be able to do differently. But I’ve also been a student, been to uni, got a degree and spent many hours with friends in the SU bar getting drunk. I’ve been Captain of my skittle team, trying to get high scores and having a laugh whilst getting drunk. Been out clubbing, (badly) dancing up on the dancefloor whilst getting drunk.

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I’ve been a paranormal investigator, walking around derelict buildings in the dead of night waiting for something unnatural to happen and usually wishing I was drunk. I’ve studied martial arts, mediumship and creative writing. I’ve wrote a novel (and will hopefully get that and others published before my end), marched at Pride. And there is so much more I want to do.
Three things occur to me. 1. There has been a lot of alcohol in my life. No doubt the character of Bernice Summerfield has had a bigger influence on my life then I thought. 2. I have done a lot so far and meet so many wonderful people over the years. Some have disappeared into the past although I’d like to think they know I’d still be there for them if they needed me.
3. That it would be impossible to pin down my entire life. I have secrets even more than those I’ve reviled here. And how can anyone out there really know me when I still don’t know myself who I am? It’s a question that I may never get the answer for but it has led to many adventures trying to find out and I hope for many more. It’s one of the reasons I’ve never found myself able to settle down. I’ve always wanted more, to get on to the next thing and experience something new. Had I settled down with my girlfriend a few years ago I’d never have found time to write my novel and I wouldn’t have spent the weekend dancing in a gay nightclub with friends in Cardiff. But had I not been in that relationship at that time I wouldn’t have got my degree.
I’d like to think overall those people will be thinking fondly of me as a friend, a confidant, a hard worker and a good person. A shoulder to cry on, a helping hand or someone to dance the night away with. I’ve been told I’ve been thought of by people as lovely or sweet.
Student, paranormal investigator, transgender, writer and consumer of alcoholic beverages. What else might be added to that list before I’m finished? What more stories can I provide for people to remember me by?

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Pride Cyrmu

 

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Ok it’s been a little while since the last post, I’ve been having a bit of a rest as well as working solidly for the last eight months. I now have a week off to give chance to recover, build back up my energies and get back on top of things. And I’ve started my time off in style.
Yes I have finally done it. I’ve been to my first proper Pride festival. Yes I know there is a previous blog post somewhere near the start of this blog where I went to a Pride event but that was just a couple of hours in a club watching a few acts.
This was the full Monty. By staying in a B & B Friday and Saturday night I was able to completely enjoy my time. Firstly I took part in the parade through the streets of Cardiff. To begin with I was very nervous, not knowing what to expect but that soon disappeared amongst the cheering of the marchers and the crowds that lined the street. There was something about being in the middle of that crowd of people showing my support for others as well as feeling accepted by those around me.

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There were just hundreds of people in that march. I don’t think I’ve ever been a part of something so big in my life.
Then there was the festival itself. Three separate stages with acts. Luckily I had a couple of friends who invited me to join them and their group which really helped me to relax more. It was definitely more enjoyable sharing the experience with others then being just on my own and through them I also made some new friends. The place itself was packed with people, full of different diversities. Although I had gone as my normal self I left with the feeling that here I could have been who I wanted to be without any judgement or embarrassment. My friend was in drag as it was, as they are a locally famous drag artist.
As an added bonus towards the end of the evening my friends decided to take me clubbing around the gay scene in Cardiff and so it was that I found myself, glitter over my face dancing upon the dance floor in a nightclub as it turned midnight, ending one of the best days I have had for a while.
I left wanting more. I want to go back next year, I want to try Brighton. There is a more local Pride weekend near me soon which I might attend although I also have ticket for Drag Wars that night so we’ll see. But it was an amazing experience. I arrived back home on Sunday tired but happy with a feeling of disappointment that it was over.

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The Sword as a symbol of masculinity and masturbation

“I am Adam, Prince of Eternia, defender of the secrets of castle Greyskull. Fabulous secret powers were revelled to me, the day I held aloft my magic sword and said….

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Wait what? Ok as a kid as Adam would raise his sword and shout “By the power of Greyskull” and transform into He-man my heart would beat. This was the bit in the show I loved, the part I always waited for. It was only later with comments on the internet that I came across the idea of what this introduction could be read as. Secret powers reviled when I held aloft my magic sword. Could this really be a metaphor for the discovery of masturbation? The time when a boy becomes a (He) man.
As I mentioned in a previous post many of my heroes have been sword welders. Robin Hood, Angel, Ducan McLoad, the Highlander. Well let’s face it that whole series revolves around swords. Thundercats was another cartoon where a sword was pivotal. Young Lion O goes from a boy to a man, the leader of the Thundercats and at the same time is entrusted with the sword of Omens. Almost a small dagger until Lion O takes it in his hands and with a cry of Thunder, thunder thunder, thundercats HO it grows longer until finally shooting a symbol of light into the air.

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Even in real life the sword has usually been a sign of manhood. Warriors would grow up learning how to weld the weapon until being old enough to go into battle. The sword becomes an extension of oneself, a part of the body.
But there have been women sword welders. He-man himself had his twin sister She-Ra. A female version of the character, to sell the toys to girls as well as boys, to give a role model to girls as well as boys. But the problem with this that while She-Ra, princess of power, was a six foot slim blond goddess she was just as strong as her brother. She worked as a role model showing girls that they could be just as strong as boys but looking back it just feels like they were adding masculinity to the character. That her powers lay in being really strong just like a (He) man. Still it’s worth mentioning that on recently re-watches just how camp He-man was and by comparison She-Ra was much much more. Is there a word for something that is more campier then camp? I don’t want to use the word worse because it implies that this was a bad thing but I think overall it certainly works as a early introduction to LGTB themes. After all the hero does ride around on a flying unicorn that has multi coloured wings.

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And if that didn’t then let’s move to the nineties and the almost She-Ra like Xena, warrior Princess. Really all these princesses becoming warriors? A symbolism of girls becoming women? Or that women can be just as powerful as men. Xena not only showed a female warrior out fighting for justice but showed a friendship with her young companion Gabrielle that many interpreted as lesbian. Lucy Lawless herself became a gay icon and it had been said since that the character was gay.

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But I’m veering off topic here. Let’s get back to our phallic shaped swords. You know the weapons that are used to penetrate people. Certainly to Freud the symbolism of a sword in a dream was phallic in nature and therefore a sex symbol. Traditional I would say that a toy sword would more likely have been aimed towards boys than girls. It represented a sign of manhood. Spilt blood or spilt seed.
Growing up I played a game called Hero Quest and then moved on to the more advanced Warhammer Quest. In both these games the figures were male. Ok two of them were of different races but still male. Warhammer Quest even had extra character packs you could buy. Imperial Noble, Pit Fighter, Witch Hunter and so forth. In fact nine extra characters bringing the total to thirteen and not one of them a woman. Yes there were a few female characters in the overall Warhammer range that could be brought to represent some of the characters in the game but it still says something that there was no actual female figure included in the game. Is this because it was thought only guys played the game? While I’ve never played D & D I know some women that play and at least that game is set up so you can create any gender character you wish. I do however play D & D Neverwinter where my character is female.

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So maybe the sword is still a symbol of power, of coming of age but maybe it is no longer a masculine symbol. Or maybe even though we have these sword welding heroines, She-Ra, Xena, Wonder Woman, there is still something masculine attached. That is that they are seen as sex symbols. Strong Women yeah but women that can be fantasied over by men. Recently She-Ra was redesigned for a new cartoon on Netflix, aimed at a young audience but there was outrage at the change. That the new costume no longer made She-Ra look sexy. In other words they can’t longer masturbate over Maybe the concern should be more on whether the character is going to be any good. That she will be a good role model. And that maybe we can have a female hero that welds a sword without it having to represent some masturbatory fantasy.

Changes

 

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Everything changes. No I’m not talking about the first episode of Torchwood or the song by Take That. No I’m talking about in life. It’s like one of life’s certainties like death. For much of my life I have hated change. I have fought against it, had anxiety over it or got angry when changes are forced on me. This is at times when my life is going great. I loved the job I had at Somerfield’s until it got closed down. I’ve had close friends, spending time hanging out with them worrying about losing them only for this self-fulfilling prophecy to eventually come true.
Nowadays I try to have a more different view towards change. It was something I had to come to terms with in uni. I loved being a student, going to lectures and hanging out with fellow students in the SU bar drinking Snakebites. But I always knew it was temporary and that I would have no choice in when it ended. Three years and that’s it. With this time limit I learned to savour every moment I could out of my time there. I still have times when I miss things or people from my past, sometimes so much it hurts but at the same time when changes have happened they have always lead to something new in my life.
Had I not been made redundant I wouldn’t have got a job where I’d meet someone who’d not only turn out to be a great friend but got me into ghost hunting and was the one who suggested that I go back to college which eventually lead to going to uni. Many times changes have brought new experiences into my life.
I shouldn’t be surprised. That change can be good is something I learned very early on. Deep Space Nine had a character, Jadzia Dax, who was joined with a symbiont who had already lived seven lifetimes. In one episode I remember watching as a kid she talks about how each change is good because it leads to new experiences. That has always stuck in my mind.

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But even more so I’m a Doctor Who fan, a show where the lead character has changed faces and personalities twelve times and had companions and friends that have come and gone over the years. In my life I’ve been like the tenth Doctor, resisted to change, raging against it and haunted by those words. “I don’t want to go.” But his incarnation is an exception. As the second Doctor commented just after his regeneration that “Life depends upon change. Even more so there is the eleventh Doctor’s final speech.
Recently I was given a sudden and upsetting reminder of my past about a friend of mine that died young a long time ago. I could remember where she lived, I remembered where I was when I got the message that she had died but for the life of me I could not remember her name and that was what got to me. Thankfully it came back to me a couple of hours later and an important part of my life was returned to me.
So yeah I must remember my past, who I was, the things that I have done. All the things that have happened to me good and bad because among other things it shows that I always survive change and many times it leads to something new and exciting. And there may even be some indications that changes are coming my way. We did Tarot cards in circle this week. I’ve always loved Tarot and have many decks. Anyway I got a reading from someone which indicated some new things coming into my life including possibly a woman. Now obviously I can take that indication in two different ways but even so I left that night feeling very positive about the future.
Changes are a coming. Prepare yourself, embrace it, hold on tight and go with the flow. You never know what’s around the corner.

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I’m in a Circle

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So a few weeks ago I’m speaking to one of my best friends. She’s the one that got me into ghost hunting as well as mediumship. Her husband, who is a medium, was starting up a new open circle in my town and she suggested I should come along. For me the idea was good on two fronts. 1. Because it would help me get out and socialise more which I really need to do and which would help with my anxiety (hopefully) and 2. Because I use to do circle years ago and kind of wanted to try it again.
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For those of you reading that’s not sure what a circle is, it is not a group of us sat in a circle on the floor chanting while candles burn around us in the dark. A circle when it comes to mediumship is simply a group of us sat on chairs in a circle trying to develop our medium skills. So this involves learning to talk to spirits, guides etc. A closed circle is simply a closed group of people while an open circle means anyone can come along.
So far it’s been both interesting and helpful. As I mentioned I’d done spiritual work many years before and I think (judged on feedback) that I was developing quite well, to the point where the woman running the circle thought I’d be ready to go up on stage. Unfortunately due to circumstances at the time I had to take time out from it and sadly never went back.
So now I have a chance to try again. For me the reason for doing it as much as I do like helping people is because I want to explore myself. I’ve always felt I’ve been on a personal voyage of discovery. Why I am like I am? What is my potential? Where do I fit in in this world? And of course having the skills to communicate with the dead is rather Jedi-ish.

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But the other up side of this is I get to see one of my best friends every week and chat as well as a couple of other people in the group. I’m still slightly shy around the ones I don’t know yet but it’s a friendly bunch and we have a good laugh along the way. My Facebook page has almost had daily requests lately for friend requests from other members in the group.
So far over the last few weeks we dealt with the introductions and practised some meditation, looked at how we might read people, working with colours and emotions and looked at spirit guides. Also we have all given a little mini reading to someone else in the group. Mine hasn’t really been that much but I’ve had something to give which is nice even if my heart is beating like hell from having to do so. With luck confidence will come in time.
And for those reading this and thinking ‘well it’s all bollocks isn’t it’. If you are then why are you reading this? Especially if you’ve got this far. But I’m not judgemental. While I believe it is possible to communicate with the deceased and that we have guides I do doubt my own abilities. As I give readings both now and in the past I’m always thinking am I just making this up? But so far everyone I’ve read for has taken what I’ve said (unless they’re just being kind) So I look forward to being able to keep this blog updated with how I’m coming on, any interesting things that come up and maybe even some of the things I’ve learnt.
And then there is also the part about overcoming my anxiety. Socialising with strangers is a little step for me, done it plenty of times before and it doesn’t take me long to settle in. Putting myself in the spotlight with ten or more people watching me is a larger step. One I know I can do but it just pushes me just that little bit more. Then there is expressing myself bit by bit among this group. This is more than just developing myself spiritually. This is in front of people I don’t know and in front of people I have known for years. If I can develop the confidence to do readings for people with others watching me then hopefully I’ll develop confidence in other areas. And this may even, for better or worse, come around quicker than I would have thought.
When I posted on Facebook recently about how I’d finally finished editing my novel and ready to print off for some people to read, she commented yes please. Given that the nature of the novel is rather personal to me this is a big thing for me. I initially ignored it but she mentioned it again at circle this week. There was no way of avoiding it. I had to do a quick edit for her copy as one of the characters is named and based after her and given that that character is involved in a sex scene I’d better change the name. But hopefully she’ll be opened minded to the contents of the story when she reads it. In a way putting this novel out there is a little bit like coming out so it is nerve wracking. Anything to do with hinting at my alternative lifestyle is nerve wracking.
This week we worked on Psychometry. That where you hold an object (that we had brought in) and try to connect with it. To tap into the history of the object and get a reading from it. I’ll admit it wasn’t my specialist subject and I didn’t get anything right.
Interestingly though we had also been asked to bring a red herring in as well and with the above in mind I took in a neck choker that I’d brought last year but couldn’t really wear as it was too tight. When it was picked from the tray by one of the circle I felt a little guilty that they wouldn’t get anything from it or if they did I’d have to tell them how they were wrong. My heart was beating throughout not only from the guilt but because of having to own up to the object. Surprisingly though many of the things she did come up with I could actually take. Of course I had to admit to owning the item in the end but if the group thought there was anything strange in this it wasn’t mentioned. Of course when my friend starts reading the book little things like the neck choker might clue her in.
Still I believe the universe or the force has a way of working things out so maybe this is how things are meant to go? Maybe something will come through for me that will give me some insight. If anyone is listening, Can I get a sign please?

 

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Photo edited.