I’m finally out!

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Ok, not fully but a little while ago I announced of Facebook that I was Bisexual. For many it probably didn’t come as much of a surprise. In recent years I’ve been quite open about who I was although to what extent was only shared with a few trusted people. So it may have been possible that some were unsure, or thought I was joking.
I didn’t really need to put it on Facebook, indeed I debated with myself for a while as to put weather I was Bisexual or pansexual. I could count myself as either, but for the most part I felt Bisexual was easier just because of the level of understanding I know some of my friend are at. I didn’t want questions on it. I didn’t want to get caught up in discussions of what pan sexual is and the difference between the two and how does it involve pans?

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No the reason I put it on Facebook apart from finally clearing up any confusions anyone may have had about me was twofold. Firstly because I was fed up of watching what I posted on there. Not so much personal stuff but images, jokes etc. If I wanted to comment on a photo of Lucifer about how hot he is I would stop myself. Not because I wanted to protect myself from being questioned on my sexuality but because I was worried about how people would take it. Whether they would be left wondering. True it wouldn’t really be any of their business and I shouldn’t worry about what people think but there was just something that didn’t feel right to me. And this was the second reason I posted it.
For myself. Not just so I could make comments and post anything I wanted but just to feel like myself. It was my way of saying to my world that “hey this is me, like it or lump it.” I was owning my sexuality. It wasn’t being guessed at or assumed. It was me saying this is what it is.
And it felt good. It felt freeing. There was an element of fear there before I posted. I thought about it for a couple of weeks. But it felt so good to do it. I’d been doing it on twitter for the last couple of years but no one on there were actual physical friends. People I knew in my life.
And then the notifications and comments started to come in. Likes, loves, comments of well done, so proud and be yourself. Each one helping to validate me, made me feel better. Some even commenting “about time”. It’s amazing how many people seemed to know about me before I really did.

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There was also another point to me coming out as bisexual. A little thing I put at the bottom of the post, 1/2. No one commented on it. They’ve didn’t ask what it meant. And for those who might know, still nothing. One of two. The first post out of two. There is another post to come sometime in the future, some other revelation.
Because it was also a test run. To see how people reacted. My friend Ashley wanted me to fully come out on Facebook along with the photos I’ve had done. Personally I wasn’t ready for that. It would be like ripping a band aid straight off. This way I’m was slowly teasing it off. Plus I’m still wasn’t sure where I stood with being genderfliud.
I’m also aware that there is a difference between announcing your sexuality and announcing your gender. It’s a big step to take and I’m trying to make it a little bit smaller before announcing anything else about me to the world.
But sometimes fate takes a hand in things. Maybe it was because I was at Pride that weekend or maybe deep down I was just looking for a way to come out further, I don’t know. However when a friend of mine posted on Facebook about how his daughter was trying to raise money for charity and not getting far, could his friends help I did. I donated a bit of money. But there were very few others that did the same. My friend of course was disappointed. He is someone who in the past has gone out of his way to help others.
I did the only thing I could think of to help him and in a way help me. I messaged him.
“If you don’t get many donations by Friday let me know. I may have a way to help.”
Friday came and the total hadn’t moved much. I checked in with my friend. Still disappointed.
Deep breath I posted on Facebook about my friend’s daughter raising money. I posted the link to donate. Then I made a promise.
“If any of my friends donate and we can get near the total needed by Monday then I will post, for the first time on Facebook, a photo of me in drag.”
It sort of worked. A couple of people donated, one commenting just to see me in drag. Maybe they was expecting some half assed photo with just me in a dress. Monday came. The total hadn’t been reached, I could have backed out, but I didn’t. This was an opportunity and I’ve learnt now to take those when they come up. And so the photo was posted.

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And the response, like the bi sexual post was again overwhelmingly positive. A lot of compliments. And a big thanks from my friend to whom it meant so much. Within a couple more days the total was smashed and I felt great. I’d helped a friend and had presented myself, or to a degree Cherry Ade to my world.
I now have a Facebook page going for that persona and have had a few friend requests. The futures bright, the futures rainbow.

Pride Cyrmu

 

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Ok it’s been a little while since the last post, I’ve been having a bit of a rest as well as working solidly for the last eight months. I now have a week off to give chance to recover, build back up my energies and get back on top of things. And I’ve started my time off in style.
Yes I have finally done it. I’ve been to my first proper Pride festival. Yes I know there is a previous blog post somewhere near the start of this blog where I went to a Pride event but that was just a couple of hours in a club watching a few acts.
This was the full Monty. By staying in a B & B Friday and Saturday night I was able to completely enjoy my time. Firstly I took part in the parade through the streets of Cardiff. To begin with I was very nervous, not knowing what to expect but that soon disappeared amongst the cheering of the marchers and the crowds that lined the street. There was something about being in the middle of that crowd of people showing my support for others as well as feeling accepted by those around me.

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There were just hundreds of people in that march. I don’t think I’ve ever been a part of something so big in my life.
Then there was the festival itself. Three separate stages with acts. Luckily I had a couple of friends who invited me to join them and their group which really helped me to relax more. It was definitely more enjoyable sharing the experience with others then being just on my own and through them I also made some new friends. The place itself was packed with people, full of different diversities. Although I had gone as my normal self I left with the feeling that here I could have been who I wanted to be without any judgement or embarrassment. My friend was in drag as it was, as they are a locally famous drag artist.
As an added bonus towards the end of the evening my friends decided to take me clubbing around the gay scene in Cardiff and so it was that I found myself, glitter over my face dancing upon the dance floor in a nightclub as it turned midnight, ending one of the best days I have had for a while.
I left wanting more. I want to go back next year, I want to try Brighton. There is a more local Pride weekend near me soon which I might attend although I also have ticket for Drag Wars that night so we’ll see. But it was an amazing experience. I arrived back home on Sunday tired but happy with a feeling of disappointment that it was over.

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Trans Matters

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No not that kind!

 

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Ok this following piece is going to be a very personal one and will deal with issues of Trans Gender and cross dressing. If this is not your cup of tea (or you know me personally and think that this may be too much information, yes you!) then I would recommend going no further……..

Ok. Are you sure? Then we’ll begin….

There is four things that have always fascinated me. Doctor Who, the supernatural, exploration of the self (both psychological and philosophical) and fetishes. I really don’t know where the fascination for fetishes has come from. I remember reading a book in uni on it and just got engrossed in learning why certain fetishes appealed to people as they did. But my interested started a long time before that and maybe it was because of some of the fetishes that I enjoyed myself. Ones that I would often feel guilty about, as if it wasn’t normal. I’m not going to go into details about which fetishes I like or don’t like except one of them was cross dressing. I began to want to understand what made such things fetishes. Was it something inherent or caused by something in our childhood? Maybe it’s just my interest in psychology and philosophy wanting to know how people and the world think and work. Or maybe I just wanted to know I’m not the only one out there. That what I like does not make me abnormal.

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And as long as such things don’t affect other people then is there really any harm? What happens behind closed doors stays behind closed doors. But what happens when it’s something more than that?. For over a year now I have been considering my gender identity. It no longer is simply just a fetish, something I do now and again but now an impact on my everyday life. Like many times before I have done research into transgenderism. I have read articles, watched You Tube videos and am an active member on a LGTB forum. Many of the You Tube videos I’ve watched have documented the tubers transition. I feel at the moment I’m in a position where I don’t know which way, if any, I want to go. It is a very confusing time for me as I swing from one feeling to the other. Or there’ll be times when I’m out somewhere and wished I’d gone more feminine or less.

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Sometimes I think that I would just like the chance to be out there for a short time and have considered drag act. Other times I think of if I want to actually start transitioning, begin medication and look towards surgeries. I’ve swung from thinking myself as a male to thinking of myself as wanting to be female and now lie somewhere in between counting myself for now as genderfluid. It’s gone from simply just dressing in clothes to trying out make up, wigs and I love doing photoshoots (even if they aren’t the best.) That is the other big thing for me. Would I pass? Could I pull off a feminine look. And it’s not just the look. The voice, the walk. They are all little tell tale signs of what gender someone is. And for me it’s not about wearing skirts out. I have women’s jeans and tops that overall could be seen more as gender neutral. Even if I was to simple go out as a cross dresser (something that seems to be less accepted then being trans) would I look good enough to be accepted or be stared at like I’m some sort of freak.

The novel I wrote is based around many of these themes and it has to be said that it was both helpful in allowing me to express and explore my own feelings but also brought up personal questions that I have had to face. True I have to admit I don’t feel the same every day, it is something that is ever changing which is one of the things that makes it so hard to decide what to do. Although I don’t really suffer from the dysphoria that other trans people experience, there was a time where I had to shave before I’d go out even if it would make me late and even going without earrings sometimes can feel wrong.

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But a few weeks ago I decided after four months of contemplating to final go and get my hair done and to have it dyed red, something that I’ve wanted to do but have held back. It is a bold move for me. Over the last year I have been pushing little bits such as painted nails and wearing earrings. No longer is the wearing of knickers something done for quick excitement but actually worn daily just because they feel right. In fact I recently figured out that I actually own more pairs of knickers then boxers! At work there are other little signs I’m giving out.

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Reaction to my hair have ranged from people liking it to downright piss taking. I’ve taken it in my stride, rolled with the banter, none of the comments were meant in a horrible way. It has also lead to the outcome that a couple of team mates remembered the character of Jessica Rabbit. Again I rolled with it and have now accepted the name as a nickname I use when playing. In many ways this takes away the power they have of taking the mickey because I’m not biting plus it’s putting the idea of a more feminine me out there. Personally I like it. It may not be a nickname (or alternative name) I would have chosen but never mind. Plus I have recently just started watching a You Tuber cross dresser called Jessica who has helped again to give me more confidence in myself. There does seem to be a nice symmetry there.

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But I want to get more involved in the community that I now feel part of and to help others. For example I make regular donations to Mermaids. But I want to do more. I want to help not just because that’s the kind of person I am but also because maybe by getting more involved will also help me figure myself out. I haven’t had much chance to get to Pride events and hopefully this is the year I’ll get chance to go. I’m also looking at a few other events coming up. I don’t know if my home town would ever do something but it would be great to be involved.
When I started this blog I wasn’t sure where I was going to take it. I knew I wanted to look at the heroes of my past and how they had affected me and from there it’s built up into my musings and my personal journey.

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When having my hair done my hairdresser told me to be who I want to be and fuck what anyone else thinks. To do what makes me happy. It’s good advice. My friend also told me something similar on her birthday night out. But to be someone who wants to stand up for peoples rights I guess one has to be brave enough to put themselves out there. I have to take on those aspects such as Robin Hood, the Doctor, Ace Rimmer and Batman that I’ve talked about. I’ve said previously about Supergirl, how in my novel she symbolised my main character’s realising their secret self and how Supergirl herself seems to be a metaphor for coming out as you true self as she does in the pilot episode of the series. I’ve mentioned about how maybe one day I’ll have my own Supergirl moment. Something that I would never have imagined myself doing.

This month is Pride month and this is it. It’s another little step but an important one.

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