Trans Matters

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No not that kind!

 

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Ok this following piece is going to be a very personal one and will deal with issues of Trans Gender and cross dressing. If this is not your cup of tea (or you know me personally and think that this may be too much information, yes you!) then I would recommend going no further……..

Ok. Are you sure? Then we’ll begin….

There is four things that have always fascinated me. Doctor Who, the supernatural, exploration of the self (both psychological and philosophical) and fetishes. I really don’t know where the fascination for fetishes has come from. I remember reading a book in uni on it and just got engrossed in learning why certain fetishes appealed to people as they did. But my interested started a long time before that and maybe it was because of some of the fetishes that I enjoyed myself. Ones that I would often feel guilty about, as if it wasn’t normal. I’m not going to go into details about which fetishes I like or don’t like except one of them was cross dressing. I began to want to understand what made such things fetishes. Was it something inherent or caused by something in our childhood? Maybe it’s just my interest in psychology and philosophy wanting to know how people and the world think and work. Or maybe I just wanted to know I’m not the only one out there. That what I like does not make me abnormal.

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And as long as such things don’t affect other people then is there really any harm? What happens behind closed doors stays behind closed doors. But what happens when it’s something more than that?. For over a year now I have been considering my gender identity. It no longer is simply just a fetish, something I do now and again but now an impact on my everyday life. Like many times before I have done research into transgenderism. I have read articles, watched You Tube videos and am an active member on a LGTB forum. Many of the You Tube videos I’ve watched have documented the tubers transition. I feel at the moment I’m in a position where I don’t know which way, if any, I want to go. It is a very confusing time for me as I swing from one feeling to the other. Or there’ll be times when I’m out somewhere and wished I’d gone more feminine or less.

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Sometimes I think that I would just like the chance to be out there for a short time and have considered drag act. Other times I think of if I want to actually start transitioning, begin medication and look towards surgeries. I’ve swung from thinking myself as a male to thinking of myself as wanting to be female and now lie somewhere in between counting myself for now as genderfluid. It’s gone from simply just dressing in clothes to trying out make up, wigs and I love doing photoshoots (even if they aren’t the best.) That is the other big thing for me. Would I pass? Could I pull off a feminine look. And it’s not just the look. The voice, the walk. They are all little tell tale signs of what gender someone is. And for me it’s not about wearing skirts out. I have women’s jeans and tops that overall could be seen more as gender neutral. Even if I was to simple go out as a cross dresser (something that seems to be less accepted then being trans) would I look good enough to be accepted or be stared at like I’m some sort of freak.

The novel I wrote is based around many of these themes and it has to be said that it was both helpful in allowing me to express and explore my own feelings but also brought up personal questions that I have had to face. True I have to admit I don’t feel the same every day, it is something that is ever changing which is one of the things that makes it so hard to decide what to do. Although I don’t really suffer from the dysphoria that other trans people experience, there was a time where I had to shave before I’d go out even if it would make me late and even going without earrings sometimes can feel wrong.

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But a few weeks ago I decided after four months of contemplating to final go and get my hair done and to have it dyed red, something that I’ve wanted to do but have held back. It is a bold move for me. Over the last year I have been pushing little bits such as painted nails and wearing earrings. No longer is the wearing of knickers something done for quick excitement but actually worn daily just because they feel right. In fact I recently figured out that I actually own more pairs of knickers then boxers! At work there are other little signs I’m giving out.

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Reaction to my hair have ranged from people liking it to downright piss taking. I’ve taken it in my stride, rolled with the banter, none of the comments were meant in a horrible way. It has also lead to the outcome that a couple of team mates remembered the character of Jessica Rabbit. Again I rolled with it and have now accepted the name as a nickname I use when playing. In many ways this takes away the power they have of taking the mickey because I’m not biting plus it’s putting the idea of a more feminine me out there. Personally I like it. It may not be a nickname (or alternative name) I would have chosen but never mind. Plus I have recently just started watching a You Tuber cross dresser called Jessica who has helped again to give me more confidence in myself. There does seem to be a nice symmetry there.

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But I want to get more involved in the community that I now feel part of and to help others. For example I make regular donations to Mermaids. But I want to do more. I want to help not just because that’s the kind of person I am but also because maybe by getting more involved will also help me figure myself out. I haven’t had much chance to get to Pride events and hopefully this is the year I’ll get chance to go. I’m also looking at a few other events coming up. I don’t know if my home town would ever do something but it would be great to be involved.
When I started this blog I wasn’t sure where I was going to take it. I knew I wanted to look at the heroes of my past and how they had affected me and from there it’s built up into my musings and my personal journey.

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When having my hair done my hairdresser told me to be who I want to be and fuck what anyone else thinks. To do what makes me happy. It’s good advice. My friend also told me something similar on her birthday night out. But to be someone who wants to stand up for peoples rights I guess one has to be brave enough to put themselves out there. I have to take on those aspects such as Robin Hood, the Doctor, Ace Rimmer and Batman that I’ve talked about. I’ve said previously about Supergirl, how in my novel she symbolised my main character’s realising their secret self and how Supergirl herself seems to be a metaphor for coming out as you true self as she does in the pilot episode of the series. I’ve mentioned about how maybe one day I’ll have my own Supergirl moment. Something that I would never have imagined myself doing.

This month is Pride month and this is it. It’s another little step but an important one.

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Boy Meets Girl

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A few years ago I was set up on a blind date by a friend of mine. We had a meal at a restaurant and my friend had provided a set of topic cards to give us things to talk about. The date was very nice, the girl was nice and although to my disappointment nothing eventually came of it I had a good time.
Anyway one of the questions was on favourite movie. In typical male fashion I answered Avengers Assemble. It had just recently been in cinemas and to be honest I really liked the movie. Hers was A beautiful Mind which I didn’t know. Well I did once she had told me about it. I had watched it in the past but had never remembered the name of it. A very thought provoking drama. It was a very sophisticated answer to the question, much more than my comic book superhero action adventure. (Personally I recommend both films and if you like A Beautiful Mind I would also recommend Shutter Island.)
Anyway this lengthy and possibly irrelevant introduction brings me onto what I now consider my favourite film which would have provided a better answer to that question had it actually been made at that stage. Boy meets Girl is a movie I accidently discovered on Netflix. I watched it about four or five times over the next few weeks until Netflix took it off. I have since watched it again through other means and I hope one day the UK gets a dvd release of this film.
The story deals with Ricky, a transgender girl. For those who wants to know I’ll outline the plot, for those who would rather try and watch it without spoilers go away, find it, watch it and if you want come back and reads this. So Ricky basically starts having an affair with a woman she has just meet called Francesca who is engaged to be married. It also deals with the relationship that she has with her long term best friend Robbie. Added in to this is the story about how she also wants to be a fashion designer and is waiting to see if she gets into a fashion school in New York. That is basically the plot and if you have read this without seeing the film then still do because this isn’t the real point to the film. It’s thought provoking and the enjoyment comes from watching the drama unfold. It deals with some of the issues that surrounds people who are transgender. Would I say that it is truly representive of how trans people are treated? Given the research I have done on the area since probably not. Ricky lives in a small town and most of the people we see in the film accept her for who she is. There is a couple of confrontations but there is nothing too treating in these. There no real high tension drama where everything is at risk but simple more of a snap shot into the life of Ricky trying to realise her dreams.

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Michelle Hadley who plays Ricky is great in what is her first film role and I love the character of Ricky. She comes across as confident, funny and down to earth and hot. I’ve noticed that I’ve even adopted a bit of her style with my own clothes. Part of me wants to date her, part of me wants to be her. When I watched the film I researched the actress and discovered her you tube channel where she documents her transition. It was this channel that got her the role in this film having impressed the director. Sadly she has not been in much since but I would love to see her in other things.
There are so many scenes I like from the film that it would be impossible to pick one. Right from the beginning the film is engaging with just the interactions between the characters. To compare it with another film I like A Few Good Men. That film too is a drama and not action packed and it’s great but when I want to watch it it’s the end of the film with Cruise and Nicholas in the courtroom. That’s the great part about that film. Everything else is just a build up to that moment and once you’ve watched it and know the story you can just go to that scene and watch it. With Boy meets Girl I want to re-watch pretty much every scene from start to finish. There are some good twists along the way and the film’s final message makes it end on a very upbeat note.
So yeah I finally have a drama film as my favourite film which I can talk about the philosophical aspects and social issues of. Sure the Avengers is still a good film and yes it deals with individual egos putting aside their conflicts and working as a team to defeat the bad guy. Then it’s just an action packed finish which I suppose does allow Tony Stark to finally become less self-absorbed and nearly sacrifice himself to save the world. But my favourite moment from the movie is Hulk smashing a raging Loki like a rag doll all over the ground. “Puny God”. It’s my favourite moment because it’s funny. I can rewind the dvd and watching it again. Yep still funny. There’s nothing else to the scene. It’s just a funny moment amongst the tension of the battle. Boy meets Girl doesn’t have no big final playout. It ends on a good note, a hopeful message and a great song that made me really think about things in life.   maxresdefault I like films and programmes that makes me question, think or even just inspire me. This film is one of those. It’s the film that made me really question my own feelings on gender and on how I want to express myself. It’s helped me in writing parts of my novel and it’s got me looking deeper into a world that I am finding fascinating and personal.